He had me Before Hell-o

            Four days had gone by since that night at Relay. I still hadn’t heard from Phil. Luckily, kids from all over were on spring break so the hotel was packed and I was working overtime. I wasn’t home very much, but I still checked by e-mail on a regular basis. Malorie had seen Phil and Simon pass by her place, which was a five minute walk from Phil’s, so I knew he was alive.

            It was Thursday night and I had invited Malorie over for supper. I hadn’t checked my e-mails at all that day, forcing myself to stay away from the computer. That was, in part, why I had invited Malorie over – to keep me busy! Two days prior, on Tuesday, I found myself doodling Joyel + Phil on a notepad at work. Images of him with other girls kept creeping into my head and I was beginning to completely lose it. I finally broke down, called Mom, and confessed everything. I knew she would have something comforting to say and I would immediately feel better.

“You always let your emotions get the best of you baby.” She said. “You live in this fantasy world and you build up these scenarios and expectations; you’re not a character in Dawson’s Creek, you know?’’ She continued.

“I do not live in a fantasy world, mother!” I said defensively. She had hit a nerve. I knew she was right, but could not admit it.

“Yes, you do baby. You barely even know this guy, and you’re acting like a jealous girlfriend.” She explained. “He’s not your boyfriend and he doesn’t owe you anything.” Okay, so maybe I should have called Papa, I thought.

“Look, baby, I’m not trying to be mean. I just don’t want you to latch on to something that isn’t real. You have a tendency to obsess and-”

“I do not obsess” I interrupted her. I thought for a moment and continued, “Okay, so maybe I document our conversations and occasionally picture myself in a white gown saying ‘I do’, but that doesn’t mean that -” I stopped as I realized what I was saying “Oh my god! I’m a complete lunatic” I whined.

“You’re not a lunatic, baby.” She said laughing. “But when did you become so dependant?’’ she asked.

I let out a sigh. When did I become so dependant? I wondered.

            Malorie and I had finished supper and were having coffee. I was telling her about what had happened at work that day. I had barely thought about Phil when Mal brought him up.

“So…I was talking to Simon earlier.” She said as she sat down on the couch. “He and Phil have been working on their music - they have a show coming up!” she continued.

            I looked over at her acknowledging what she said, but didn’t respond. My heart was dying to hear more about Phil, but my head was telling me to let it go. Not having him in my life those past few days made me realize how dependant of him I was actually becoming and I was mad at myself for reasons I could not understand. After my conversation with Mom, I decided to not allow myself to obsess over Phil anymore.

“Simon let me listen to a song of theirs a while ago.” She said trying to make conversation.

I felt a pang of jealousy, wishing I could hear Phil sing – just once!

“It’s actually a really sad song.’’ She looked over at me to see if I was still listening. I was. “It’s about this guy who regrets not having realized how much this girl loved him, until she was gone, it’s called Heav-”.

“Heaven’s Cry”, I interrupt her. She gave me a confused look. “We wrote that song together about a week ago” I explained. “I didn’t know he had made music to go with the lyrics.” I admitted.

There was a silence in my apartment and for a moment I missed Phil terribly. Malorie was in the bathroom getting ready to go to Relay. I had opted to not tag along, proving my independence. I looked around the apartment. My laptop was closed and neatly placed on the desk. Maybe I’ll just take a quick look at my e-mails, I thought. No, I instructed myself and turned on the television. Paddy-Cakes was on the blanket next to me purring loudly as I pet her little head.

“You sure you don’t want to come?” Malorie inquired grabbing her jacket. “He might not even be there.” She remarked.

I had told Malorie about my new plan of independence and she fully supported it. I was beginning to wonder if everyone around me realized how obsessed I was and just didn’t have the heart to tell me. Malorie even suggested taking my laptop away, but I made up some excuse about needing it for work. Let’s not get carried away, I thought.

I declined Malorie’s invitation and she went on her way. I was left alone with Paddy who was curled up in a ball on the swivel chair by the desk.

“Paddy! Mommy just passed the vacuum on that chair, you’re going to get your hair all over it again.’’ I yelled over to her, but she didn’t budge.

I got up from the couch and made my way over to the chair, picked up Paddy, who appeared displeased by my action.

“Sorry, Paddy! You’re coming back to the couch with mommy” I informed her.

We sat down on the couch and within a few seconds Paddy jumped off of my lap and ran back over to the chair.

“Paddy!” I yelled. I got up and walked back over to the chair. “Okay I’ll sit on the chair, and you sit on my lap.” I suggested.

I placed Paddy on my lap and turned the chair to face the television. This is so uncomfortable, I thought. How am I supposed to watch a movie from all the way over here? I wondered. I looked over at my laptop on the desk. Maybe just a quick peek, I thought. Paddy looked up at me.

“Don’t give me that look’’ I instructed. “I’m sitting on a chair that is supposed to be used when one is at the computer” I explained to Paddy. “I am at the computer. It’s only right that I turn it on and fulfill this chair’s purpose in this world.’’ I continued.

Without hesitating, I pressed the power button on the laptop and impatiently waited. My fingers tapping on the desk, I felt like I was sixteen and sneaking a cigarette while my father was out running errands. I reached my hand up and turned the blinds closed. There, now no one will ever know, I thought. The internet was connecting and I had butterflies in my stomach. It was like I was hacking into some secret system and was racing against time.

“Hurry!” I pleaded.

I clicked on the web browser and went directly to my e-mail account. My inbox read 1 new message. My hand was shaking on the mouse. The subject read hell-o, and without even looking at the From section, I knew it was from Phil. He wrote hello that way ever since he had made a typo when were chatting about jell-o on IM. It was our thing. I couldn’t but smile as I clicked on the message.

Too much homework and not enough Joyel makes Phil crazy.
I blew you a kiss today, did you catch it?

Phil xX

P.S. Where are you? I’m sitting here at the computer and you’re not here L

See attachment.

I felt giddy as I clicked on the attached picture. There he was, sitting at the computer. Everything around me grew calm as I stared at his picture. I looked down at Paddy-Cakes and whispered “This will be our little secret, okay?”