My eyes opened to the sound of the ringing phone. I rolled over in my bed and picked up my cell phone. The caller display read my sister’s phone number, and I knew she was calling to hear about my night. I threw the phone on the empty pillow next to me and ignored the call. I didn’t want to have to explain what happened last night. I didn’t even understand the events myself. I laid there and try to narrow it down in a way that could make it clear but no matter how I dissected the events I still ended with the same conclusion. I was alone. He wasn’t.
Paddy Cakes poked her little head out from under the covers and gave me a good morning meow, reminding me of our little morning routine. I managed to get myself up and out of bed and headed to the kitchen to put on some coffee, Paddy following my every move, meowing ever so loudly as I grabbed the carton of milk from the fridge.
“Shhh, shhh, I know Paddy, I know.” I patted her head and she continued to meow. “Oh no!” I gave her a concerned look. “And then what happened?” She replied with another meow. “Wow! Well that’s quite the story.” I smiled at her as she sat on her hind paws and lifted a paw at me as if to say May I have a drop of milk now, Mama? I, of course, gave in as I did every morning and provided her with a quarter sized drop of milk in her little dish.
I picked up my cup of fresh coffee and headed to Audrey’s pink laptop that was sitting on my desk. Perhaps I did this out of habit, or maybe somewhere in my mind was a shadow of a thought that he might be there. He wasn’t. I thought about what I would write to him if he was there. The phrases I miss your face and Fuck you were at the top of my list, each winning at alternate times.
Going to sit on a terrace with Simon this afternoon, maybe have a drink...join us?
After reading Malorie’s message, I swivelled around on my chair trying to think of excuses to not go, which I always found myself doing before even deciding if I wanted to go or not. The ‘What excuse sounds believable?’ thought was an automatism in my brain when it came to social invites. Sometimes I wondered if I was born a bitch or just plain anti-social. But that day, I opted for a ‘Sure, why not?’ instead.
As I dug out my favourite summer dress from my closet, I dialled my father’s number. Conversations with Papa were always quick and painless. A few laughs here and there, but most importantly, he didn’t ask the type of questions that made me question my own existence. I needed that.
“Oui, Bonjour!” He roared into the phone in broken French accent. Papa always spoke loudly, a trait Dawn had inherited, and most times I remembered to turn down the volume before dialling their numbers. But sometimes, like that day, I would forget and go deaf in an ear for at least 10 minutes.
“Hi Papa” I said into the receiver after switching the phone to my other ear.
“Happy Birthday Baba!” Oh, right. I thought. It’s my birthday.
I thanked him and we played catch up over the next few minutes. I gave him the point form version of my road trip and he told me about an operation he had on his shoulder after falling on the ice. I was about to hang up when he caught me off guard.
“So, did you see that Phil boy last night?”
“Huh?” I was thrown off.
“I called you last night, but there was no answer.” He explained. “Your brother said you were gone to meet up with some friends and to see Phil?” Papa always gave people weird nicknames and busted out into random made up songs, traits I inevitably inherited. Calling my sister and me ‘brothers’ was just part of the randomness that I was used to.
I can’t believe Dawn would tell him that, I thought. “Well...” I paused. “I didn’t see him.” I managed - my voice cracking.
“Well Baba, sometimes these things happen and you have to just…walk it off” He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.
“Yeah” I said in a soft tone and paused before continuing “I think I might need some new shoes for that.”
Papa laughed through the receiver “You don’t have any good walking shoes?”
“I had a pair of Adidas, but I traded them in for some common sense.”
“How’s that working out for you?”
“Not well, Papa” I paused “Not well at all!”
I met up with Malorie and Simon at a small pub right around the corner of my street. As I walked up, I could see them sitting at a table. Malorie was dressed to the nines, as usual, and Simon was eating a hot dog while he listened to Malorie talk.
“I totally couldn’t believe it. I mean, didn’t anyone tell her that pink streaks are so last summer?” I heard Mal say as the doorman looked over my ID.
“Oh! Hey Sweetie” She ran over to greet me with a hug. “Happy Birthday” She beamed. Malorie was always peppy. I envied her for it.
“Simon was just talking to Phil” she whispered into my ear. “He was going to come meet us, but Simon told him we were leaving and going to the mall.”
“Did he know I was coming?” I inquired, half hoping that he wanted to come because of me.
“No” Malorie shook her head. “I just figured you wouldn’t want to see him.” She paused. “You know, because of everything that happened last night.” She said as if reminding me.
“Yeah, I remember Mal” I said sarcastically “I was kind of there.” I pointed out in a ‘Gee, why don’t you twist the knife a little harder?’ kind of way.
I pulled up a chair next to Simon who was on to his third hot dog. He went to say something and I secretly hoped it was about Phil. I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about him, and I knew that I shouldn’t even want to have anything to do with him, but I desperately longed to hear anything at all that was attached to his name. I loved him, there was no denying that, but I didn’t want to love him anymore. I didn’t want to want to hear about him, but I did. I wanted to ask Simon if Phil mentioned me, but at the same time I didn’t want anyone to know that I cared.
“I wonder if they have live bands here?” Simon said. Who cares? How’s Phil. What did he say? My mind wandered.
“Probably” Malorie joined in. “They have a stage downstairs.” Gosh, they’re boring. I have more meaningful conversations with Paddy.
“Oh, Happy Birthday, Joyel!” Simon smiled at me. “Well, I mean, I hope it’s a happy one?” He gave me an intrigued look.
“Yeah, it’s a great birthday” I smiled back. “It’s really nice out” I pointed to the sun, attempting to change the subject.
“True. But, errr...” He looked to Mal.
“It’s just that, well, with everything that happened we thought you might be a little bummed.” They both gave me sympathetic looks like I had just been in a major car wreck and was on life support. Just pull the plug.
“I’m fine” I managed a smile. “Really, it’s OK” I said so convincingly that I almost believed myself.
“I still can’t believe he would do that” Malorie said. “It’s so unlike him.” She said in a way that made me want to hear more about what he was really like.
“What do you mean?” I stirred the ice around in my Long Island Iced Tea that Malorie had pre-ordered for me, avoiding eye contact.
“Phil’s just not the kind of guy who does things that he knows will hurt other people.” She explained. “I don’t get – ”
“That’s not true.” Simon interrupted her. “Sometimes we do shit without realizing it’s going to hurt other people” he paused “and I think subconsciously you’re going to want to hurt someone who hurt you.” He crossed his arms, proudly as if he had won some sort of debate.
“I guess you’re right” Mal said and looked off into the empty field next to the terrace.
I sat there confused, trying to understand the conversation that they just had as if I wasn’t even present at the table. “Wait a minute” I said angrily. “How in the hell was Phil hurt through any of this?”
“Are you kidding me?” Simon laughed and I lifted my arms as if to say ‘what?’
“You fucking broke the guy’s heart” He was looking right at me with a straight face. “You totally and utterly screwed with him.”
“Simon!” Malorie shouted defending me.
“I’m sorry, but she did!” He said matching Malorie’s defensive tone. It’s like they were playing a tennis match; Malorie on team Joyel, and Simon on team Phil.
“Woah, woah, woah, woah!” I interrupted them. “I broke HIS heart?” I gave him a sarcastic look. “Are YOU kidding ME?” My heart was racing.
“Joyel, you got this guy to fall completely and madly in love with you and you just got up and left out of nowhere.” Simon was serious. The words hit me like daggers. Phil loved me? I didn’t know what to say.
“Why didn’t he tell me that?” I managed.
“How could he? Your mind was made up and it’s like he wasn’t even part of your plan.” Simon said. “It wouldn’t have changed anything.”
“It would have changed everything.” I said trying to fight the tears.
“Maybe...” Simon rested his back against his chair back and looked up at the parasol over our table.
“Maybe he didn’t want to be the one holding you back” Malorie said in a soft tone.
“Exactly!” Simon smiled as he proudly pointed his index finger to Mal as if to say ‘Eureka! She’s figured it out.’
“Look” Simon turned to me “it’s not like I’m saying that what he did was right” he paused before continuing “I’m not even saying that you have to forgive him” he gave me a sincere smile “just don’t hate him for it.”
“Just talk to him” Malorie insisted. "Oh! Over here" Malorie shouted and gesture to a hostess. "Yay" she clapped.
I turned around to find the hostess carrying a small white plate with a red velvet cupcake on it.
"Are you the birthday girl?" she placed it in front of me and sat a single pink birthday candle in it. I nodded and she lit the candle.
"Aww" I smiled at Malorie. "Thank you" I was sincere.
"Make a wish" Malorie winked at me.
