Airports & Dreams

I arrived at the airport hours early so I had a lot of time to catch up on e-mails. I hadn’t checked anything since Phil and I had started messaging back and forth on our cell phones so I had a lot of reading and responding to do; which turned out to be OK because the airport was completely empty and everything was locked up. Within 15 minutes I had been through security and was ready to board my plane which was only leaving at 7 a.m. – I had almost three more hours to kill.  I was exhausted. Kat and I had stayed up most of the night talking and exchanging addresses, phone numbers, presents, etc. James’ girlfriend Lorraine had arrived so the staff accommodation was practically empty as everyone went out to celebrate – like they always did when someone new arrived.  Despite how anxious I was to get back home to Paddy-Cakes, I knew I would miss living in a full house. Before I left home, I had a completely different life. Paddy and I had our routine; during the day I would work from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. while Paddy napped and played in various paper bags or boxes. Most evenings, we would cuddle up on the futon and watch our shows or Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I had only been gone a couple months, but I felt like my life had changed completely. For instance, I hadn’t been keeping up with my shows, the last time I had a bubble bath was the night before Dawn drove me to the airport, and I had never experienced so many consecutive hangovers or shopped so much in my life. In fact, just last night, Kat and I had to run out to the shops again for a new bag because I ran out of space when packing. Somewhere between having to buy a new bag and finding clothes with price tags still on them, I realized where all my pay checks had gone and why Mom had to order me an emergency credit card so I could pay for my plane ticket.

“Coffee shop only opens in an hour sweet pea!” A woman’s voice distracted me.

“Sorry?”

“The coffee shop” a woman in her late 40’s pointed to where I had been staring for the past 10 minutes “it only opens at 4 a.m. but they serve a nice breakfast.” She smiled.

“Oh – Thanks!” I managed. The woman removed a piece of lint from her clothing. She looked posh and smart in a blazer and pencil skirt, and a perfectly coiffed blonde chignon. Her gold name tag read Irene in black print. That was me two months ago, I realized as I watched her walk away. I wondered what I would do when I got back home. I hadn’t thought about where I would work. I knew my old boss would take me back, but I hadn’t decided if I wanted to go back. And since Audrey had already paid for the rent until the 15^th, I knew I would have to stay with Dawn for a week. Not that I didn’t love Dawn, but she was a total mom. She had rules and everything always had to be tidy. Even when we were little, she would have me make my bed before I was allowed to watch my Saturday morning cartoons. Who does that? I never fully understood the point of making a bed if you are going to sleep in it again that night.

And to top it all off, her boyfriend moved back to his hometown so she had just moved into a tiny studio apartment by herself. I was dreading having to stay there for a complete week. And come May 15, the day before my birthday, I would have to move back into my apartment and go back to the old life I wanted so badly to get away from in the first place. This trip was supposed to help me find myself, but I felt more lost than ever.

I looked up at Irene who sitting in her ergonomic chair behind a round white desk that looked like a bar in a basement. She was facing a computer and taping away - most likely replying to e-mails too, I assumed.

“Thinking about renting a car?” She pointed to the Car Rentals sign above her head.

“No” I laughed, feeling awkward that she caught me staring at her. “I’m actually headed home so...” I smiled “...no need for a car.”

She stood up from her seat, grabbed a booklet and made a bee line toward me.

“Here” she handed me the booklet “it can become quite dull just sitting around waiting – thought you might like some reading material” she gave me a sincere smile.

I thanked her and placed the booklet in front of me. I flipped through it, feeling obligated after Irene went out of her way to bring it to me. I had no interest whatsoever in cars, nor was I in need of one, but I took a peek just the same. I came across a page of testimonials, the kind you hear in an infomercial – random people just like you who found joy in the product that the company was selling. I began to read about Mark, age 34, who was on a business trip and desperately needed a car to get around to meetings. Poor Mark had a sloppy assistant who messed up and reserved a car for him with another company on the other side of town. But Car Rentals made his dreams come true when they came to his rescue with a Mercedes. And then there was Macy, age 26, who was incredibly grateful for the way they treated her when she got into a little fender bender with one of their rentals.

I rolled my eyes and turned the page only to find more testimonials – which were more like five star reviews.  I came across this story about a couple, Justine and Shane. They were at the airport waiting for their flight. Shane had just proposed and they were giddy, talking about wedding plans and honeymoon destinations. They both agreed the sooner, the better. That’s where Irene came in. She began chatting with them, noticing Justine’s beautiful ring. Irene told the couple about how she and her husband eloped in Vegas because they couldn’t decide on a venue or a guest list. An hour later, the couple rented a car and decided to take a road trip to Vegas to get married. I finished reading the story and I couldn’t believe it. The Irene that handed me my booklet was the very same Irene/wedding planner extraordinaire that was smiling next to Shane, Justine, and their little baby Emma on the picture right below their story.

I felt a pang of jealousy. I had always imagined myself going on a wild adventure with the boy I loved. Perhaps Phil and I will go on a road trip this summer, I thought. I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to see Phil again. It was his last week of college so I knew he had exams all week and I wouldn’t get to see him until my birthday, but I was already counting the days.

I sat there and imagined him bringing me a present, and then I imagined that my birthday present was a kiss from him. Then, I got so carried away, I imagined us running away together that night to elope in Vegas just like Justine and Shane.  It would be magical, I thought and a smile came to my face. What if he doesn’t show up? The thought crossed my mind. No wait, that’s not right. Bad thoughts be gone, I ordered them. Of course he’ll be there, I convinced myself and imagined him sitting at our table waiting for me with that perfect pearly white smile on his beautiful Brad Pitt-esque face. I slowly approached the table and he stood up as soon as he saw me. He ran toward me and picked me up to twirl me around. That’s more like it, I smiled as I tried to imagine the rest of the scenario. I rested my head on my hand and closed my eyes. After twirling me around, Phil put me down and told me he couldn’t believe I was there. He grabbed me by the hand and led me to our table. Out of the blue, some random girl was sitting in my chair. I jolted up and opened my eyes. OK. Let’s start over, I instructed my brain. I closed my eyes, but the girl was still there.

“I would like you to meet my girlfriend” Phil let go of my hand and made his way to the girl who was sitting in my seat.

I felt a pang in my stomach and forced myself to open my eyes. That’s completely ridiculous; Phil said he’s going to break up with her. He wouldn’t lie about that, he loves me. I attempted to convince myself. OK. So he never actually said that he loves me, I realized. But he will, won’t he? I wondered. I felt butterflies in my stomach and I debated back and forth, fighting with my own mind. I re-read his messages on my phone, trying to find some type of hint that he felt the same way. Ha! Got it! I thought as I came across one of his most recent messages.

I’ll be seeing you tonight in my dreams, angel. xX

He’s totally dreaming about me. I smiled as I re-read the message. Except...what if he says this to all the girls? My smile disappeared. I imagined Phil laughing as he was messaging me. A book sat beside him and the cover read ‘Phil’s Tactics for Naive Girls’.

Oh my gosh! Am I always this neurotic? My thoughts interrupted my daydream.

I gathered my tote bag and the rest of my belongings. I needed a distraction from myself. I picked up the booklet and headed to see Irene.

“Wow, that’s so cool” I beamed as Irene told me all about Justine and Shane’s road trip. “I would love to go on a road trip across the west coast of the United States.” I explained. “It’s my dream.” I couldn’t help but smile. “I want to drive along the Pacific Ocean and through the Redwoods. Oh! and to drive on the Golden Gate bridge and see the Full House house in San Francisco, Hollywood Boulevard, the Grand Canyon, I want to see everything.” I was so excited that I couldn’t stop talking.

Irene laughed “that is exactly what my husband and I did for our honeymoon.” She smiled. “We rented a car in Vegas and drove back – along the Pacific Ocean just like you want to do!” She pulled out a map and showed me the entire trajectory.

“Wow” I paused and analyzed the route. “It must have been amazing.” I looked up from the map. “What was your favourite part?”

“All of California was quite amazing.” She thought for a moment and continued “but my favourite was visiting the studios in Hollywood. I’m a big fan of movie and television.”

“Me too!” I beamed. “I can’t wait to do that one day.” I whined, realizing that it might not happen until I was Irene’s age.

“Why not start today?” She asked sincerely.

“Well for one I’m alone.” I pointed out.

“Oh that doesn’t matter. I know a lot of people who have travelled alone. The important thing is to have a plan and know where you are going. As long as you research it, you’ll be fine.” She smiled and folded up her map.

“I already have.” I smirked and reached into my tote bag “researched it, I mean.” I pulled out my journal and opened it up to show Irene the itinerary, maps, notes, and everything else I had gathered over the years and always carried around in my journal with me. “Anyways, I don’t even have a car.”

“Do you have a credit card?” She inquired. I nodded yes. “Then I can help you with the car situation if you want.”

This credit card is for emergencies only love, my mother’s voice popped inside of my head. I looked down at the card and then over at my journal. I guess that a dream coming true is sort of like an emergency, right?  I convinced myself and handed over my card to Irene.

I'm Coming Home - Part un

It was the beginning of May and there was so much to be excited about. Plus, my birthday was just around the corner and I knew I would be home in time for it. In fact, Keven’s birthday was just a day before mine so he suggested we have a combined party at Relay with the whole gang. Of course, Phil was invited – and I couldn’t wait to see him. Things between us were just like old times; except, instead of e-mailing we had started sending each other messages from our cell phones so we could reply instantly. He had messaged me earlier in the morning telling me how cold he was waiting at the bus stop to go to school and how he couldn’t wait for summer. The little beeping sound it made woke me up and normally I would be quite upset about being woken up, but I had added him in my cell phone under ‘Prince Philippe’ so it kind of made me feel like Aurora in sleeping beauty. Not that I secretly pretended the message was like true love’s kiss or anything...because that would be weird.

I couldn’t believe how great things were going. Even Mom was excited to have me coming home. Though she was a little disappointed about the whole lying thing, she was totally on board when I announced I wanted to come home early. I think a part of her was relieved because she wouldn’t have to worry as much. She suggested I leave at the end of the month, but I really wanted to be home for my birthday. I knew that it was going to be special. I imagined myself walking in to the bar and Phil standing by our table, which he had decorated with roses. I would walk up to him and act all surprised that he remembered my birthday – he was so bad with numbers that the only birthday he could remember was his own. I would smile at him and thank him for going to such lengths and for remembering my birthday and he would take me by the hand and pull me toward him and whisper in my ear “how could I forget?” and then he would kiss me.

When I told this to Luke he rolled his eyes at me and told me that it was unrealistic because you can’t whisper gently into someone’s ear when you’re in a bar.

“It’s totally realistic.” Kat defended my fictional scenario.

“How is it realistic?” Luke debated.

“Because the DJ is playing a slow song so it’s a little more quiet than normal.” Kat retorted as she packed her bags.

“See, this is why Kat is my best friend” I smiled proudly.

“Because she’s a loon like you?” Luke gave a smirk. “And I suppose is this scenario the only sound you both could hear was the sound of your beating hearts?” He mocked us.

Kat looked up from her rucksack and gave him a confused look. “Lukey, they’re in a bar – let’s not get carried away here.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head in dismay as he walked out of the bedroom. “There, all packed.” Kat zipped up her bag and stood up.

“I can’t believe we’re both leaving tomorrow.” I sat down on the floor and leaned my back against the wall.

“I can’t believe you’re not coming back.” Kat joined me on the floor.

“I can’t believe you’re going on a road trip with a psycho bitch – you might not be coming back!” I joked.

“Or I’ll come back with a fork shaped scar of my forehead.” Kat laughed. “It sucks that I can’t stop in to see you though. Stupid psycho bitch!” She paused and then continued “we have to follow the itinerary Katherine!” She said mockingly and we both laughed. Kat sighed. “Wow! I can’t believe you’re going to see Phil soon.” 

"Neither can I" I let out a deep breath as butterflies fluttered around inside my stomach. 

"You okay?" Kat gave me a concerned look. 

"I have to admit that out of all the things I missed about Phil, the nauseating butterflies were definitely not among them." 

“Oh!” Kat sprung to her feet. “That reminds me” she opened up her drawer and pulled out of wrapped box “I got you something” she handed the box to me. I looked down at it and smiled as I noticed the Disney wrapping of all the princes and princesses. “I thought it was fitting.” She giggled.

I carefully removed the wrapping making a mental note to keep the paper as a souvenir. I opened the box to find about a hundred little round skin colored stickers. Confused, I looked to Kat. “Umm…thanks?” I said wondering what they were.

“They’re anti-nausea patches!” She beamed. “People stick them on their necks so they don’t get sea sick on boats and stuff.” She explained. “I figured maybe you could wear one when you see Phil – you know, so you don’t like…vomit on him.” She laughed.

I couldn’t help but laugh too. “This is the best present ever” I beamed and gave her a big hug. “I’m going to miss you so much.” I said wanting to cry.

“Just promise me you’ll invite me to the wedding.”

“You’re going to be in the wedding, remember?” I smiled.

“Now, let’s go find you a birthday dress that will completely blow Phil away.” Kat grabbed me by the hand and led me to the corridor, closing her door behind her. “I’m thinking that pink one that we saw in the window display the other day.”

“What am I going to do without you?” I looped my arm through hers.

“I honestly don’t know.” She smiled.

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Confessions

I woke up the next morning with an extra spring in my step. I normally have this rule that before coffee nothing counts. If you stub your toe, burn your toast, have frizzled hair, none of it matters because you haven’t had your coffee so the day hasn’t really started. But that morning, I took everything into account. It didn’t matter if I stubbed my toe, or if my hair looked awful. The smile I had made up for any unfortunate occurrences. I was sitting in the living room, sipping on my freshly brewed coffee and looking out at the view. The sun was reflecting off of the Rocky Mountains and I knew it was going to be a good day.

“Who made coffee?” Kat interrupted my thoughts.

“I did.” I smiled proudly at Kat as she poured herself a cup.

“Should I trust it?” She stopped pouring and gave me a smirk.

I rolled my eyes at her and returned to the window to admire the view.

“What are you doing up so early on your day off anyway?” Kat joined me on the sofa. “Did you wet the bed or something?” She giggled.

I gave her a sarcastic laugh. “I just woke up really early and couldn’t fall back asleep.” I explained.

“You must have gone to bed early; you were sleeping when I got back from my walk to the store.” She pointed out.

“Yeah I know.” I thought for a moment. “It was the weirdest thing...” I continued “after my conversation with Phil I just fell asleep like a baby.”

“Wait a minute. Back up.” She stood up from the couch, a hand on her hip. I wanted to laugh – her face was serious, but she was wearing flannel pyjamas bottoms with rainbows on them and a pink t-shirt that read Smile if you’ve had it last night. I guessed that she was probably wondering who called whom and how we got to talking on the phone. “You totally broke the boycotting boys rule...which means I win!” She exclaimed.

I burst out laughing. “No I didn’t break the rule – I ...” I thought for a moment “I forfeited” I continued.

“Whatever.” She put her coffee down on the dark wood end table. “It’s completely irrelevant. The point is you talked to Phil, and you are smiling!” She clasped her hands together. “You talked to Phil!” She beamed and began excitedly dancing around chanting “Joyel talked to Phil, Joyel talked to Phil. And she’s happy and they are going to get married and make babies and I’m going to be an auntie!”

“What the bloody hell are you doing Kat Attack?” James was standing in the doorway with bed-head and his eyes half opened.

“Oh sorry Jimbo!” She had a smirk on her face and I couldn’t help but giggle. “Did I wake you?”

“Did you wake me?” He sneered. “Joyel talked to Phil, Joyel talked to Phil, marriage and babies, yay, yay, yay!” He mimicked Kat, dancing around in his boxers in the kitchen entrance. “No, no, you didn’t wake me at all.” He said sarcastically and turned to find Luke standing behind him with his arms crossed and a confused look on his face. Kat and I were laughing uncontrollably as James walked away and headed down the hallway to his bedroom.

“So Jojo talked to Phil ay?” Luke joined us in the living room.

“And she made coffee” Kat pointed out.

“Woah!” Luke exclaimed. “You’re on quite the roll” he looked over in my direction.

“So how did it happen?” Kat seemed eager.

“Well, I woke up, came into the kitchen, opened the cupboard, grabbed the coffee, put in a few spoonfuls, added the required amount of water and turned the machine on.” I explained. “And voilà coffee” I raised my cup and smiled.

“You know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes.

“I told her to do it.” Luke said proudly. Kat gave us both a perplexed look.

“It’s true.” I admitted.

“And was I right?” He smirked.

“Yes, you were” I smiled.

“Wait a minute, am I missing something here?” Kat asked looking for an explanation. “I leave for an hour and Luke gives relationship advice to you and you actually listen to him?”

“What can I say?” Luke threw his arms up. “I can be a pretty persuasive man.” He said pompously. “So what did he say?”

“Well...” I took in a deep breath and smiled as I began to tell both Luke and Kat about my conversation with Phil.

“Wow!” Kat smiled. “So are you going to go back?”

“I don’t know” I admitted.

“I reckon you should stay.” Luke said firmly.

“Or she should go” Kat replied to Luke.

“Nah, if she goes back right away she’s giving him the control. He’ll know that he can play her like a puppet.” Luke explains to Kat.

“Or it would be incredibly romantic. He could pick you up at the airport and hold up a sign that reads Girl of my dreams and you’ll know it’s you.” She beamed.

“Oh! I like that idea!” I said wanting to cry at the thought of how romantic it seemed. “It would be like a scene from a movie!” I pointed out.

“You two are ridiculous.” Luke shook his head in derision as he walked over to the kitchen.

“Even if I wanted to go home, I can’t afford the plane ticket.” I looked up at Kat who was standing in front of me.

“What about asking your mother to help you out?” Kat suggested. Oh god, I thought. My mother, my thoughts continued as I realized I hadn’t returned her call - yet again! She knew something was up. It was completely out of character for me to be acting this way and withholding information from her. Under normal circumstances, I am the daughter who calls her mother to share her stories of daily events that occurred, or even about her sex life. Even when I was younger, at the end of every school day I would sit in the kitchen as she cooked supper and I would tell her about the boys I thought were cute and the problems my friends had. If cell phones had existed back when I had my first kiss I probably would have called her immediately after to tell her. But for some reason, in the past few months I stopped sharing. Perhaps I knew that she would disapprove, or maybe I wanted to save her from feeling disappointed. I had been keeping so many secrets. I had been living a complete lie and if I were to call her and tell her all of this at once she would surely go into cardiac arrest. Just thinking of it, was giving me palpitations. Breathe Joyel, breathe. I instructed myself.

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s an option.” I managed.

“Can’t she just join you on your road trip, Kat?” Luke yelled over to us from the kitchen. “Aren’t you heading that way?”

“The van is full.” she yelled back.

“What is he talking about?” I looked to Kat for an explanation.

“Didn’t I tell you?” She gave me a confused look. “A bunch of us are going on a road trip, we hired a van and everything.” She paused before continuing. “I’m dreading going with the psycho who threw the fork at my head, but other than that it should be fun.”

“I had no idea.” I admitted.

“I’m sure I mentioned it. We planned it months ago – you know, before we knew she was psycho and stuff.” Kat laughed.

“So when do you leave?”

“May 7^th.” She smiled.

“Wow, that’s soon.” I said realizing that it was already April 28^th.

“Yeah, I’m real excited about it; I’ll be gone for a whole month.”

I was happy for Kat, but at the same time I felt sad that I would be left alone. The road trip sounded like so much fun and I was reminded of how I always wanted to have my very own road trip across the West Coast of the United States. A few years ago, I had even planned it all out with maps and an itinerary. I had purchased a few journals in order to document the road trip like in Jack Kerouac’s ‘On the road’, one of my all time favourites.

“I started working at the hotel in order to save up, and just completely forgot about it – until now!” I was explaining this story to Kat.

“It’s never too late.”

“I know!” I nodded. “I’m sure I will get around to it one day when I can afford it.” I smiled.

“Don’t you have a birthday coming up?” Kat smirked as if she had an idea. I nodded yes. “Why not ask your parents for a birthday present advance?”

“For what?”

“For the road trip, silly.”

“Road trip?” Luke was confused. “What happened to going home to be with Phil?”

“Oh, that’s true.” Kat realized. “You could use the money to go home.” She smiled.

“I’ll think about it.”

I walked into my bedroom and sat down on my bed. An hour ago, I was on a cloud and felt like nothing could bring me down, and now I felt more confused than ever. Instead of being on the cloud, I felt like it was hovering over me. Like the time when I was five and went to my Nan’s with my father. She had just made a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies and it was close to supper time. I asked my dad if I could have a few and he handed me three of them and said “don’t tell your mother.” I poured myself a big glass of milk while Nan handed me a few more cookies and winked at me. For a five year old, it was like being on a cloud. But when I got home, the cookie secret was hovering over me and I avoided my mother for days. I finally confessed everything and all she did was laugh. When I asked her why she wasn’t mad at me she said “because you told me the truth.”

There I was, fifteen years later, sitting on my bed feeling like I had just eaten a bunch of cookies behind my mother’s back and all I wanted to do was confess everything. I picked up the phone and dialled her number.

“Mommy?” I said with tears in my eyes. “I want to come home.” I cried.








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