One Hour and Thirty-Eight Minutes

I was on the plane glancing at my watch every other minute. Why is it taking so long?  I subtly leaned over the elderly lady sitting next to me to catch a glimpse of the window. Clouds! We’re still in the clouds. Come on!

“In a rush to land?” she laughed.

“Sort of.” I smiled politely.

“Any reason in particular?” She inquired. Under normal circumstances, I was not a fan of people coming in to my bubble. But when elderly people do it, it somehow makes it OK. Perhaps it’s because I grew up surrounded by them. My grandparents used to own an old people’s home and I always felt right at home with them. When I was little, I used to act like them. Play board games all day, tell stories, and complain about the aches and pains in my old body. I love them. They’re my people.

“Well, there’s this boy...” I said matter-of-factly.

“Oh, a love story.” She beamed. “Please share.” She urged.

And before I knew it, I was telling our story and random passengers were listening as if I was Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer.

“So is he going to meet you at the airport?” one lady asked.

“He doesn’t know I’m coming” I bit my lower lip.

“You should surprise him.” A woman in a blue hat shouted and three others nodded their heads in agreement.

“No” Lydia, the elderly lady, shook her head. “Here’s what you need to do” she placed her hand on mine. “You will go home, freshen up” she winked “and then you call him.” She smiled. “You tell him that you’re ready for your date and that he should pick you up at 7, and then you give him a night he will never forget” Lydia giggled and so did the rest of the onlookers. Gosh I love old people, they’re fearless.

I arrived at Dawn’s apartment around 4 p.m., which gave me just enough time to get ready for my date. Dawn was on her way home from school and I couldn’t help but feel excited to tell her the news.  I am going on a date with Phil and it is going to be fabulous, he just doesn’t know it yet. I thought and grabbed my cell phone from Dawn’s desk to check the time. It read 5:22 and I told myself I wouldn’t text Phil until 5:30 so he would have enough time to get ready and wouldn’t have eaten yet. Plus, it would give him little time to over think it and back out. I had a plan, and in my mind it was unfolding perfectly. I wonder where he’ll take me? I pictured us sitting in his car in the Relay parking lot, eating skittles and listening to Sublime. I was belting out Santeria whilst doing interpretive dance in the middle of Dawn’s studio apartment when I heard the keys in the lock. I jumped and let out a little yelp as I dove for the couch.  I leaned my left elbow on a cushion, crossed my legs and sat there casually as I waited for the door to open.

“Yeah, I’m here now.” I heard a man’s voice and ducked down on the couch looking from right to left to make sure I was in the right apartment. “In the closet beside the bed, or the one at the entrance?” the voice continued behind me and I heard a door open. I looked over the side of the couch and saw a guy down on one knee with most of his upper body hidden behind the white closet door.  Trainers, black lycra leggings and the tail of a red wind breaker were all I could see. I didn’t recognize the voice, and I didn’t know any man who wore lycra leggings – at least not off a track or bike. “Dawn, it’s not here!” I heard him say in a firm tone. Oh, he’s a friend of Dawn’s. I realized. I stood up and cleared my throat. Nothing. I cleared my throat again. Still nothing. “I already check my car.” The voice continued and he stood up.

“Hi” I said walking up beside him. “Errr, who are you?”

“Dawn, there’s a girl in your apartment.” He said in the phone and look at me strangely. “I don’t know who it is” he retorted.

“Umm, yeah, hi!” I waved. “I’m Joyel.”

“Ohhhh” he smiled “OK wait” he handed me the phone “here”. I took the phone and walked back over to the couch.

“Dawn who’s the dude in leggings?” I whispered into the phone.

“It’s David. Did I not tell you about David? We go to school together and I babysit his daughter while he trains.” She explained.

“No, no, you failed to mention it, but errr at least that explains the rubber duckies in the bathroom.”

“Yeah, they’re Alicia’s” she laughed. “Look, I’m at the gym with Alicia now and David needs his other running shoes, I think they’re in the closet, you want to help him find them?”

“Well, when are you going to be home?” I asked, feeling a little disappointed.

“I probably won’t be back until later tonight, or maybe tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” I was curious.

“Yeah, well, umm, because errr “ she stumbled over her words “maybe I’ll have to babysit Alicia tonight so I’ll just stay there and David will bring me home tomorrow.” She explained.

“Right, OK” I wasn’t convinced. “So you just sleep over there sometimes?”

“Found em!” I heard David’s voice.

“David found his shoes.” I said to Dawn.

“Great, so I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” She sounded rushed.

“Err, OK. Bye.” I handed the phone back to David, completely and utterly confused.

David picked up his shoes and said goodbye. Just like that the strange man in leggings was gone. What the hell is going on? Dawn is babysitting a little girl and sleeping over at this guy’s house?  OK, so maybe it’s completely normal for people to do this. I reasoned. Maybe, some mothers are comfortable with the babysitter sleeping over, and find it to be normal for their boyfriends, or husbands, to be leaving rubber duckies and shoes over at the babysitter’s place. What else is here? I wondered.

I walked around Dawn’s apart, casually glancing in random corners, and drawer’s, but nothing. Wait a minute. I stopped and examined the four walls that surrounded me. They were empty. Not a single picture of Dawn and Pete. Dawn always had a picture of the two of them by her nightstand. And when I say always, I mean always. One time, when Dawn was 16 and I was 14, we went to Cuba with Mom and her husband, Louis. Mom had invited Pete to come, but he couldn’t make it, so Dawn brought along a framed photo of the two of them to put on the hotel room nightstand, next to her bed. I remember this because when we went down to the beach, I teasingly asked her if she was going to be bringing Pete along, a remark that I thought to be quite clever at the time. Something is definitely going on. I realized. Feeling like a detective, I picked up Dawn’s home phone and went through the list of recent callers. None of them were from Pete. In fact, most of them were from David and, well, of course, Mama. That’s it! Mama will know what’s going on. I realized and immediately dialled her number, but there was no answer. So I called the only other number I had on that phone, David’s.

“Hello?” I heard his voice.

“Hi David, err, it’s Joyel. Is Dawn around?”

“Yeah, just a sec.”

“Hello?” Dawn’s voice appeared.

“So I was just, umm, walking around the apartment, and I couldn’t help but notice that there aren’t any pictures of you and Pete.” 

“Joyel, we broke up months ago. Remember?”

“Yeah...but I didn’t think it was for real.”

“What do you mean?”

“I guess I just figured you would be back together by now.” I paused for a response but she was silent “What happened anyway?” I finally said. Dawn and Pete had been together forever. Pete’s father was my Papa’s boss, so we had known him all of our lives.  They always talked about how they would move home, get married, and start a family. I couldn’t understand how everything could change in the three months that I was gone and, like most of the time, Dawn never really spoke about it.  

“We just grew apart.” She explained in a soft voice. “We didn’t want the same things anymore.”

“Oh” I managed. “Well that’s unfortunate.” I said sympathetically.

“Yeah, but, I mean, it’s fine. I’m OK.” She said confidently, and I believed her.

“So...” I paused before continuing “David?”

“We’re just friends.” She laughed, but I didn’t buy it. David was tall, dark and handsome. He had an athlete’s body and exuded confidence, which was the complete opposite of Pete. He reminded me of a boy Dawn had a crush on all through primary school and a part of high school, maybe that’s why I had a feeling Dawn wasn't being completely honest.

“OK, fine, don’t tell me then.” I laughed. “Guess what?”

“What?”

“I have a date with Phil tonight!” I exclaimed.

“Stop yelling!”

“Oh sorry.” I paused. “I have a date with Phil tonight.” I whispered.

“Wow!” she sounded impressed. “Wait...is this the same Phil that left you so heartbroken that all you ate for a week was half of a yogurt and four peanuts?”

“Yep, that’s him” I smiled.

“The same guy that you swore you would never talk to again?” She paused. “The guy that you, if I remember correctly, called a poohead?”

“Yep, that’s him! The poohead!” I beamed.

“Well, good luck with that.” She didn’t sound enthusiastic.

“Thanks for the support there sis!” I said sarcastically.

“All I’m saying is, if I walk up to my door and hear Deana Carter’s Did I Shave my Legs for This? blaring through the door, I’m walking back to the elevator.”

“So I’d have the apartment to myself?” I thought for a moment before continuing “I may just have to go through your CD collection.” I added.

“I’m hanging up now!” The line went dead.

“How rude!” I looked down at the phone.

My phone read 5:47. Excited, I looked through my phone book on my cell phone and selected his number. I hadn’t been nervous about it all day. It just felt right, like it was time. I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out. Maybe I’ll just text him real quick first, I thought as my fingers shook so fearfully that I couldn’t bring myself to hit the dial button on my phone.

Are you free to talk?

I hit send and waited for a response. Time was moving slower than usual and I was nervously pacing back and forth in Dawn’s apartment. Two minutes ago I was fine, and now I’m a nervous wreck. Oh crap! My stomach flopped and I ran to the bathroom throwing myself at the toilet bowl. OK. False alarm, you’re going to be fine. Just don’t think about it. Ignore the butterflies and you won’t vomit all over your pretty dress, just ignore the...

Yes :) You online?

Aww he made a smiley face. I smiled ecstatically as I saw his message and began jumping around excitedly with my phone in my hand. “Wohooooo” I yelled. OK focus, Joyel, I gathered my thoughts.

“Hello?”

Wait. What’s that? I looked down at my phone and saw Phil’s number and a counter that read 8 seconds. Shit! I must have accidentally hit call. I realized.

“Hello?” I could hear his voice in a distance.

I put the phone up to my ear. Oh my god, I can hear him breathing.

“Oh gosh he breathes beautifully.”

“Joyel?”

Shit. I put my hand over my mouth. Did I really just say that out loud? No, no, no, please, no! Say something! I instructed myself.

“Err, yeah, hi, it’s me.” I sounded frantic. Calm down. “Sorry I don’t really have good reception, let me just errr, change rooms.” I began hysterically walking around Dawn’s studio apartment looking for another bedroom to go to until I realized that I didn’t really have bad reception, and there wasn’t anywhere else to go.

“OK. Sorry. Hi.” I said, feeling flushed. This is ridiculous. He can’t even see you. How are you supposed to go on a proper date if you act like a complete lunatic over the phone?

“Hi” he laughed.

OK. Don’t panic. Just get straight to the point, Joyel.

“So, err, what are you doing?”

Good, good, small chat will make you feel more at ease. Nice thinking. I gave myself a pat on the back.

“Reading about brain hemispheres.” He laughed. I could tell he was nervous too and felt relieved. “Where are you anyway? This phone call must be costing you a small fortune.”

“Actually, I’m back.” I beamed.

“You’re back, back?”

“Yes. I’m back, back!” I couldn’t help but giggle nervously.

“Really?” I felt his excitement.

“Yeah, I’m actually at my sister’s apartment right now. You feel like taking a break?” I bit my lower lip. Gosh, that sounded totally casual. Yay me!

“I wish I could. I have a final tomorrow.”

“Oh.” I tried not to sound too disappointed and slumped miserably on the couch.

“You umm....you want to help me study?”  His voice cracked.

“I’m a little overdressed for that” I said mockingly, starring down at my beautiful red shoulder dress and black velvet knee-high boots.

“Huh?” He sounded confused.

Shit, did I say that out loud?

“I mean, err, sure, I’ll help you!” I sat right up. “Wait. How can I help you study?”

“Umm, well, I have to read a bunch of chapters...I could read to you.” He laughed. “Would you like to hear about hemispheres and chromosomes?”

“I would love too.” I giggled.

I rested my head against the back of the couch, removed my boots from my feet, and listened to Phil’s voice as he read. On December 1, 2004, Phil read to me for one hour and thirty-eight minutes. It was the best first date ever.

A Smile on My Face & a Twinkle in my Eye

6 months later...

Summer had come and gone and fall was slowly coming to an end too. Normally I wouldn’t be too excited about it because I absolutely despise winter. But 2004 had been a rough year so I was kind of looking forward to Christmas because it meant that I was that much closer to 2005.

As I sat on my bed and tried to think of the events that had occurred in the past year, the only thing that came to mind was the adventure I had and all the places I had seen. I was twenty years old and felt like I had so many great things ahead of me.

“Everything’s ready, want another coffee before we leave?” Kat’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Nope, I’m good, thanks!” Kat gave me a concerned look as if she couldn’t believe I was turning down caffeine.  To be honest, neither could I. May was the first of many major turning points in my life, and not just because I was no longer a teenager. So many things had happened since that dreadful 20^th birthday, and I had completely changed my life around and had cut back on my addictions; caffeine, shopping, and well, Phil.

“Alright, well I’m going to go call the cab and hand in the keys to the landlord.” She smiled, fighting back the tears.

I knew how she felt. Those three months of having a BFF to lean on had been exactly what I needed too. After realizing how truly awful my life had become, Paddy and I had packed up our bags and headed back to my hometown. I spent the summer working and paying off debt, and Paddy found heaps of new hiding spots in my mother’s house, which was far bigger than our little apartment in the city. When fall came around, I couldn’t quite bring myself to head back. I had saved up quite a bit of money so despite my parents advice, I headed out west where Kat and I rented an apartment and had the time of our lives. I got my old job back and Kat and I were a team again. I knew I was going to miss that life. I was scared to death about heading back to the city, but I knew I was ready for everything it had in store for me.  When I left, I really left everything behind, including all of my belongings in storage and the friends I had at that time. Audrey had a new boyfriend with whom she spent all of her time, according to Malorie. As for Mal, she was sharing an apartment with the love of her life and living her happily ever after. I hadn’t spoken to either of them since the summer, despite the promise we made to each other of staying in touch. I realized that people grow apart and move on with their lives, and I learned that the hard way when Phil moved on so quickly despite everything we shared in so little time. I did miss the girls some days, but I didn’t miss the life I was living and I knew that I needed a fresh start. I needed to break all ties that were connected to him and those six months away from it all was the rehab I needed.

Kat and I made our way to the airport. I decided to go at the same time as she, even though my flight was three hours after hers. She was headed back home to Australia, after healing her own wounds. I guess that’s why Kat and I connected immediately. We were both running away from something or someone in order to find ourselves. In the process, we found each other and became the best of friends.

“I can’t believe finding myself made me gain 10 lbs” Kat joked as she tapped her belly.

“I know the feeling” I laughed and did the same. “Though, I think it was that evil little hotdog stand by the beach that did its toll on me.” I smiled.

“Gosh I’m going to miss those” Kat whined.

“I’m going to miss this” I paused. “I’m going to miss having my best friend around.”

“Me too” Kat hugged me. “Oh” she pulled away “you should totally come to Australia with me!” She beamed.

“Australia huh?” I gave her my best thinking face.

“You really are easily influenced at airports.” She made fun of me.

We parted ways at Kat’s gate and headed in the opposite direction to my own.  What Kat said reminded me of Glenda and I desperately wanted to see if she was working so I could have a word with her, but she was nowhere to be found, so I opted for the nearest computer instead.

In an effort to change my life around, I, in typical Joyel fashion, got fully carried away and changed my cyber life around to, and got a new email address. I wanted to disconnect myself completely. And it worked. I forgave myself for being scared, I forgave Phil for what he had done, and I forgot. OK, so in all honesty I still did think about him from time to time. The mere mention of his name or anything that rhymed with his name made me weak in the knees and gave me that achy feeling in my chest, but the point is I wasn’t deliberately thinking about him. OK, so there was the time when I heard a song on the radio, a song that he had put on the CD he made for me. And my increasingly weird obsession with Brad Pitt because of the similar jaw line that he and Phil share, but those were things that reminded me of Phil, which is totally different, right?

I was clicking through emails, when I came across a message from Rachel, a girl with whom I used to work in a hair salon. Rachel and I were both from the same area, and knew a lot of the same people, but had never met before working at the salon.  Prior to working in hotels, and even before Phil and I had ever met, I worked with Rachel at a hair salon close to where I lived. Rachel only worked there when we were understaffed as she was in school full time. Whenever she came in to the salon, everyone was excited because she was living this complete Love Triangle life and we desperately wanted to know what was happening. She was madly in love with a boy who lived two hours away, but Rachel quickly found out that she wasn’t the only one in love with said boy. Every time she came in to work, there was always a new development in the love triangle. She couldn’t let go, which I didn’t understand at the time, and she was completely head over heels in love with a boy who she only got to see every other weekend, which I thought was entirely ridiculous. How could you be in love with someone you never see? Is what I foolishly thought at the time.

I had not heard from Rachel in over a year so when I saw her name in my inbox, I curiously clicked open.

Rachel has invited you to join Do You Look Good?

It’s free and easy to sign up. Do You Look Good? Is a great way to meet new people and find old friends. Click the link below to sign up today. What are you waiting for?

Oh Gosh! I couldn’t help but think as I read the words Do You Look Good? I wanted to laugh at the irony of it all, but at the same time I felt the urge to tell Rachel about how awful this site was as choosing your ideal mate. I mean that is exactly why I deleted my profile in the – then it hit me, did I delete it? I couldn’t remember. I must have. I was going over all the cyber changes I had made and couldn’t for the life of me remember if that awful site was on the list. Well if it isn’t, it’s going to be. I thought as I quickly typed in the address.  Music started blearing which made everyone, and their mother, turn in my direction at the airport. Oh great, with that kind of music they probably think I’m watching a porno. I thought, my face red hot, as I frantically searched for the volume button.

I proceeded to type in my username and password. Crap! It’s still there, the picture of Paddy and I right before my eyes. I scanned the screen in search of a delete tab to click on, but I couldn’t find one. My eyes came across a flashing flag; the words next to it read 4 new messages. I clicked on them wondering what type of guys a drunk girl and her cat could possibly attract. Hmmm 38 years old, nice Joyel! Wow, this guy is shirtless, nice touch – too bad I don’t care for muscles. I was looking through the messages. Oh, well that is definitely not a guy – or is it? Delete! I clicked the select all button and was about to hit delete when I noticed the words peeking through the bottom of my screen. DarkStar13. My body went numb. I looked around me, as if feeling guilty for cheating on the rules I had set for myself, and proceeded to scroll down. The message was dated from two weeks ago. I can’t fully explain what came over me in those next few seconds, but it was a mix of joy, sadness, fear, and curiosity that lead me to click Phil’s message.

Hell-o Angel. I don’t feel like I even have the right to call you that anymore. I tried to email you a few times, but the messages came back to me. I can’t say I blame you for changing it. I do, however, blame me. I got what I deserved. I don’t even know where you are, how your life is, or if you’ll even read this. You can’t blame a guy for trying though, can you? Wherever you are, I hope that you are happy.  I just miss my friend. I miss YOU.

xX

It took six months for me to completely erase the feelings I had for him, or so I thought. But it only took one message for me to fall back into him again. 

I took my seat on the plane with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye. I pulled out my cell phone to send Phil a quick text message before turning it off.

I miss you too.

Your Angel xo

As silly as it was to be madly in love with this boy that I had never spent alone time with, I couldn’t bear the thought of not having him in my life, even though he wasn’t in my life in the way I wanted him to be. So I boarded the plane and went back to the city. Not because it’s where my belongings were, not because I had a place to stay at my sister’s, and not because I got a job in a fabulous hotel downtown. But because I couldn’t bear the thought of not being near him, even though we weren’t as close as I wanted us to be.

Heads or Tails?

Malorie begged me to go to the mall with Simon and her, but I badly wanted to get home to see if Phil was online. I knew I could just pick up the phone and call him, but just the thought of having to speak to him gave me anxiety so I opted for the computer. On the short walk home I went over the things that Simon said. Phil loved me. I couldn’t believe it. A part of me always thought that he did, I mean there were signs every now and then, but I always thought that if he loved me he would tell me. Wait a minute, I stopped in my tracks. If Simon knew that I loved Phil, and that Phil loved me, why didn’t he say something before? I realized. I placed my hand inside my tote bag and reached around for my cell phone. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind, that little...a beeping sound from my phone broke my train of thought. I looked down at the screen and saw the envelope icon flashing.

Happy Birthday Angel xX

That’s it? No ‘I’m sorry about last night’, or ‘Will you marry me?’ What kind of message is that? OK, so it is my birthday, I reasoned, maybe he doesn’t want to mention anything that could ruin my day, I considered as I quickly hit the reply button on my phone.

Thanks!  Are you online?

I stood on the side of the road starring at the phone, waiting for a reply.

Yes.

The words were like the sound of a starter gun and I took off like I was doing the 100 meter race of a lifetime. I quickly unlocked my door, opened it, and rushed past Paddy nearly knocking her over.

“Sorry Paddy” I called out behind me.  “See Paddy, mommy can say she’s sorry...it’s not that hard, is it now? Is It?” I gave Paddy a serious look and she put her head down in shame similar to the time I caught her on the table trying to dig in to my ham sandwich.

“No, no Paddy, you didn’t do anything wrong” I said in a soft voice. Gosh, poor Paddy. I almost knock her over and then I yell at her for no reason. “I’m a bad mommy ay Paddy?” I picked her up and gave her a big hug. “Crap!” Paddy’s eyes opened wide at the sound of my loud voice. I gently tossed her onto the futon and ran to the computer frantically. “Come on, connect” I ordered Audrey’s computer. My legs were restless as I watched my Instant Messenger connect. Normally, I would be pacing back and forth across my living trying to come up with something clever to say to Phil, but this time, I was leaving it up to him.

“Heads he tells me he wants to be with me”, I picked up a quarter from the desk, “Tails, he...err” I looked over at Paddy who was watching me like I was some lunatic. You’re not that far off, I thought as I closed the quarter tight in my hand. “Tails, he loses me” I tossed the quarter up in the air. It hit the ceiling and I followed it with my eyes as it fell behind the desk, through the cables. “Crap!” I got down on my hands and knees under the desk and reached my arm between the mess of cables and wires.

“Oh! There it is!” I could see the glare of the quarter behind an outlet power strip. I was on all fours in my sun dress when Paddy joined me under the desk and started jumping at my moving hand through the wires.  “Paddy no! Mommy doesn’t want to play right now” I said firmly, but she wasn’t listening. She was on a hunt, and my hand was her prey. “Ouch! Paddy No!” I yelled as she put her little teeth into my hand.  “Paddy get your furry little butt out of the way” I yelled.  Startled, Paddy rolled over on the power bar. Everything went dark. “Nooooooo.” I wanted to cry. Paddy got up, licked her little paw and came over to sit beside me. She leaned her head on my arm. “It’s not your fault” I kissed her head. I grabbed the power bar and turned the switch to on. The phone immediately rang and I rushed out from under the desk to answer it.

“This is your cell phone service provider” a man’s voice came through the receiver. “Miss, I am calling because your account is three months past due and we will be cutting off your service effective immediately” his voice was stern.

“That’s impossible.” I paused. “I made an advance payment in March. For three months. It’s only May.” I explained.

“Yes, Miss, however you exceeded the set payment for April.”  He paused. “Unless you pay the amount in full right now, we are forced to stop your service until you do make the payment.”

“And how much is it?” I managed

“The total of outstanding bills is $ 1927.89.” He paused as if expecting some type of answer on my part. “Will you be making that payment today?”

“I’m sorry? Did you say $ 1927.89?” I felt weak. I reached for the chair behind me and sat down.

“Yes, I did.” He said matter-of-factly.

“How is that even possible?”

“Well, I see here that were out of province, but kept the same number. There were roaming charges, and long distance charges, and...”

“OK. OK. I get it.” I cut him off.

“So, will you be making the payment today?”

“No.” My voice cracked. “I won’t.”

I hung up the phone and searched around the desk for bills. He was right. I owed close to $ 2000 and I had no idea how I was going to pay for it. I had maxed out my credit card on my trip, and had barely enough money left for next month’s rent.  Plus, I owed Audrey.

“Paddy, what are we going to do?” I picked her and hugged her tight. “Some birthday huh?” I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

I pulled myself together and made a list. I grabbed the calculator and started tapping away. “OK. Paddy, so in total mommy owes” I hit the total sign and closed my eyes, as if making a wish. The screen read  $ 5674.78. “WHAT?” I shouted. That can’t be right. But it was. I did the calculations over six times, and each time came up with the same total. How can that be?

“OK. There’s no reason for panic here, Paddy. Mommy is just going to have to get her old job back. That’s all. And Steven will give me an advance and everything will work out. Right?” I turned to face Paddy who had fallen asleep somewhere between the third and fifth calculation do-over.

I picked up my phone and dialled the hotel number.

“Steven, please. It’s Joyel calling.”

“Who?”

“Steven.” I repeated.

“What room number?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. She must be new, I thought. “I’m sorry. I’m calling to speak with Steven, the manager.”

“Oh, right.” There ya go, I thought. Good job, sweetie. Now just press the transfer button...

“Steven doesn’t work here anymore.” She said blatantly. “Would you like to speak with Ms. April?” Who? “She’s the new manager.”

“Err. Yes, please.” I cleared my throat.

“Annie April.” I heard her voice.

“Hello, Ms. April. My name is Joyel.” I paused half hoping she would have heard about me and my super great work ethic. But no. “Err, I used to work at the hotel and transferred out west. But I came back recently and was wondering if you had any openings?” Perfect. Gosh, I sound so professional. Surely she’s going to want to hire me solely based on this telephone call.

“Sorry Joanne, there aren’t any openings. You can send me your résumé and I’ll keep it on file. Good day!” She hung up.

“How rude!” I looked at my phone in disbelief. “That witch just called me Joanne, can you believe that Paddy?”

Paddy opened an eye and then curled around into a ball, turning her back to me. Well, fine then.

I turned to find my computer had finally rebooted and I quickly grabbed my mouse and clicked to open my Instant Messenger. Please still be online, please still be online, I crossed my fingers. Ha! It worked!

I quickly clicked on his username and wrote the words hello without even thinking. I didn’t care if he wasn’t the one writing to me first, and I didn’t know what I was going to say to him about last night. I didn’t even agonise over how our conversation would go. I didn’t over think it. Phil had this way of calming me and I needed that, plain and simple.

Phil: Hey, can’t really chat right now.

Why are you online if you can’t chat?

Why not?

Joyel: OK.

I felt wretched and completely alone, despite Paddy who was ever so present running around playing.

“What ya got there Paddy?” I got down on the floor next to her. She was tossing something back and forth between her paws like she practicing her moves for the soccer tryouts. Is that...I took a closer look and right there underneath her little white paw was the glare of the quarter. My quarter. At this point I knew that she had probably turned it from heads to tales about a hundred times, and I knew the outcome of it all didn’t really matter anymore. I felt like my life was falling apart around me. Phil had moved on. I didn’t want my mind to wander off and do its usual thing where it makes up these scenarios of what he could possibly be doing right now that would prevent him from talking to me, but I couldn’t help but picture him sitting by a computer with his girlfriend.

On top of everything, my financial situation was a complete mess, and less than an hour ago I was squatting under a desk. Things were far from picture perfect and despite everything that was going wrong I felt like that shiny quarter could give me hope.

“Heads everything is going to work out, tails...well we all know how this game works...move your paw Paddy” I ordered her as I reached for the quarter.

Hmph! Tails. I noted. It’s just a stupid game anyway. I thought, tossing the quarter in the corner or the living room, Paddy running quickly after it.

“Don’t eat that quarter Paddy, money’s tight” I yelled back at her, half laughing.

Make a Wish

My eyes opened to the sound of the ringing phone. I rolled over in my bed and picked up my cell phone. The caller display read my sister’s phone number, and I knew she was calling to hear about my night. I threw the phone on the empty pillow next to me and ignored the call. I didn’t want to have to explain what happened last night. I didn’t even understand the events myself. I laid there and try to narrow it down in a way that could make it clear but no matter how I dissected the events I still ended with the same conclusion. I was alone. He wasn’t.

Paddy Cakes poked her little head out from under the covers and gave me a good morning meow, reminding me of our little morning routine. I managed to get myself up and out of bed and headed to the kitchen to put on some coffee, Paddy following my every move, meowing ever so loudly as I grabbed the carton of milk from the fridge.

“Shhh, shhh, I know Paddy, I know.”  I patted her head and she continued to meow. “Oh no!” I gave her a concerned look. “And then what happened?” She replied with another meow. “Wow! Well that’s quite the story.” I smiled at her as she sat on her hind paws and lifted a paw at me as if to say May I have a drop of milk now, Mama?  I, of course, gave in as I did every morning and provided her with a quarter sized drop of milk in her little dish.

I picked up my cup of fresh coffee and headed to Audrey’s pink laptop that was sitting on my desk. Perhaps I did this out of habit, or maybe somewhere in my mind was a shadow of a thought that he might be there. He wasn’t. I thought about what I would write to him if he was there. The phrases I miss your face and Fuck you were at the top of my list, each winning at alternate times.

Going to sit on a terrace with Simon this afternoon, maybe have a drink...join us?

After reading Malorie’s message, I swivelled around on my chair trying to think of excuses to not go, which I always found myself doing before even deciding if I wanted to go or not. The ‘What excuse sounds believable?’ thought was an automatism in my brain when it came to social invites. Sometimes I wondered if I was born a bitch or just plain anti-social. But that day, I opted for a ‘Sure, why not?’ instead.

As I dug out my favourite summer dress from my closet, I dialled my father’s number. Conversations with Papa were always quick and painless. A few laughs here and there, but most importantly, he didn’t ask the type of questions that made me question my own existence. I needed that.

“Oui, Bonjour!” He roared into the phone in broken French accent. Papa always spoke loudly, a trait Dawn had inherited, and most times I remembered to turn down the volume before dialling their numbers. But sometimes, like that day, I would forget and go deaf in an ear for at least 10 minutes.

“Hi Papa” I said into the receiver after switching the phone to my other ear.

“Happy Birthday Baba!” Oh, right. I thought. It’s my birthday.

I thanked him and we played catch up over the next few minutes. I gave him the point form version of my road trip and he told me about an operation he had on his shoulder after falling on the ice. I was about to hang up when he caught me off guard.

“So, did you see that Phil boy last night?”

“Huh?” I was thrown off.

“I called you last night, but there was no answer.” He explained. “Your brother said you were gone to meet up with some friends and to see Phil?” Papa always gave people weird nicknames and busted out into random made up songs, traits I inevitably inherited. Calling my sister and me ‘brothers’ was just part of the randomness that I was used to.      

I can’t believe Dawn would tell him that, I thought. “Well...” I paused. “I didn’t see him.” I managed - my voice cracking.

“Well Baba, sometimes these things happen and you have to just…walk it off” He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yeah” I said in a soft tone and paused before continuing “I think I might need some new shoes for that.”

Papa laughed through the receiver “You don’t have any good walking shoes?”

“I had a pair of Adidas, but I traded them in for some common sense.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

“Not well, Papa” I paused “Not well at all!”

I met up with Malorie and Simon at a small pub right around the corner of my street. As I walked up, I could see them sitting at a table. Malorie was dressed to the nines, as usual, and Simon was eating a hot dog while he listened to Malorie talk.

“I totally couldn’t believe it. I mean, didn’t anyone tell her that pink streaks are so last summer?” I heard Mal say as the doorman looked over my ID.

“Oh! Hey Sweetie” She ran over to greet me with a hug. “Happy Birthday” She beamed. Malorie was always peppy. I envied her for it.

“Simon was just talking to Phil” she whispered into my ear. “He was going to come meet us, but Simon told him we were leaving and going to the mall.”

“Did he know I was coming?” I inquired, half hoping that he wanted to come because of me.

“No” Malorie shook her head. “I just figured you wouldn’t want to see him.” She paused. “You know, because of everything that happened last night.” She said as if reminding me.

“Yeah, I remember Mal” I said sarcastically “I was kind of there.” I pointed out in a ‘Gee, why don’t you twist the knife a little harder?’ kind of way.

I pulled up a chair next to Simon who was on to his third hot dog. He went to say something and I secretly hoped it was about Phil. I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about him, and I knew that I shouldn’t even want to have anything to do with him, but I desperately longed to hear anything at all that was attached to his name. I loved him, there was no denying that, but I didn’t want to love him anymore. I didn’t want to want to hear about him, but I did. I wanted to ask Simon if Phil mentioned me, but at the same time I didn’t want anyone to know that I cared.

“I wonder if they have live bands here?” Simon said. Who cares? How’s Phil. What did he say? My mind wandered.

“Probably” Malorie joined in. “They have a stage downstairs.” Gosh, they’re boring. I have more meaningful conversations with Paddy.  

“Oh, Happy Birthday, Joyel!” Simon smiled at me. “Well, I mean, I hope it’s a happy one?” He gave me an intrigued look.

“Yeah, it’s a great birthday” I smiled back. “It’s really nice out” I pointed to the sun, attempting to change the subject.

“True. But, errr...” He looked to Mal.

“It’s just that, well, with everything that happened we thought you might be a little bummed.” They both gave me sympathetic looks like I had just been in a major car wreck and was on life support.  Just pull the plug.

“I’m fine” I managed a smile. “Really, it’s OK” I said so convincingly that I almost believed myself.

“I still can’t believe he would do that” Malorie said. “It’s so unlike him.” She said in a way that made me want to hear more about what he was really like.

“What do you mean?” I stirred the ice around in my Long Island Iced Tea that Malorie had pre-ordered for me, avoiding eye contact.

“Phil’s just not the kind of guy who does things that he knows will hurt other people.” She explained. “I don’t get – ”

“That’s not true.” Simon interrupted her. “Sometimes we do shit without realizing it’s going to hurt other people” he paused “and I think subconsciously you’re going to want to hurt someone who hurt you.” He crossed his arms, proudly as if he had won some sort of debate.

“I guess you’re right” Mal said and looked off into the empty field next to the terrace.

I sat there confused, trying to understand the conversation that they just had as if I wasn’t even present at the table. “Wait a minute” I said angrily. “How in the hell was Phil hurt through any of this?”

“Are you kidding me?” Simon laughed and I lifted my arms as if to say ‘what?’

“You fucking broke the guy’s heart” He was looking right at me with a straight face. “You totally and utterly screwed with him.”

“Simon!” Malorie shouted defending me.

“I’m sorry, but she did!” He said matching Malorie’s defensive tone. It’s like they were playing a tennis match; Malorie on team Joyel, and Simon on team Phil.

“Woah, woah, woah, woah!” I interrupted them. “I broke HIS heart?” I gave him a sarcastic look. “Are YOU kidding ME?” My heart was racing.

“Joyel, you got this guy to fall completely and madly in love with you and you just got up and left out of nowhere.” Simon was serious. The words hit me like daggers. Phil loved me? I didn’t know what to say.

“Why didn’t he tell me that?” I managed.

“How could he? Your mind was made up and it’s like he wasn’t even part of your plan.” Simon said. “It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“It would have changed everything.” I said trying to fight the tears.

“Maybe...” Simon rested his back against his chair back and looked up at the parasol over our table.

“Maybe he didn’t want to be the one holding you back” Malorie said in a soft tone.

“Exactly!” Simon smiled as he proudly pointed his index finger to Mal as if to say ‘Eureka! She’s figured it out.’

“Look” Simon turned to me “it’s not like I’m saying that what he did was right” he paused before continuing “I’m not even saying that you have to forgive him” he gave me a sincere smile “just don’t hate him for it.”

“Just talk to him” Malorie insisted. "Oh! Over here" Malorie shouted and gesture to a hostess. "Yay" she clapped.

I turned around to find the hostess carrying a small white plate with a red velvet cupcake on it. 

"Are you the birthday girl?" she placed it in front of me and sat a single pink birthday candle in it. I nodded and she lit the candle. 

"Aww" I smiled at Malorie. "Thank you" I was sincere. 

"Make a wish" Malorie winked at me. 

A not so Fairy Tale Ending

I hopped out of the shower and put on my new birthday dress that Kat and I had picked out before she left for her road trip. I was straightening my hair and Paddy-Cakes was sitting on the side of the bath watching me get ready. She was happy to see me when I arrived merely an hour ago. Audrey must have told her that I was coming because when I opened the door to my apartment, Paddy was sitting there waiting.

“Did you miss mommy?” I kneeled down and gave her a kiss on the top of the head.

Malorie was on her way over to pick me up; she called right before I got in the shower and squealed when I answered. Keven and Simon were already at the bar waiting for us, which meant that Phil was probably there too – or least on his way. Everything was just like it used to be.

“Knock Knock” I heard Mal’s voice as she opened the door. Paddy jumped up and ran out of the bathroom to greet her.

“Wow, you look beautiful.” Malorie walked over to give me a hug and Paddy trotted behind her.

“Well, you know, I try.” I smiled and turned back to the mirror to finish applying my mascara. I examined myself and the mirror and had to admit that Mal was right. I looked great. At first, I wasn’t too sure about the dress as it was a tube top one and I always had this fear that one of my boobs would pop out if I lifted an arm, but after Kat made me dance around the changing room for 10 minutes and nothing happened I figured I was safe.

I slipped on my converse tennis shoes to make it seem like I wasn’t trying too hard and headed out the door after giving Paddy a few good-night treats.

“I’m so happy that you’re back birthday girl.” Malorie pulled out of the drive way. “Tonight is going to be so much fun.” She turned to me for a response, but I was looking out the window and lost in my own thoughts. “Are you OK?”

“Huh?” I turned to face her. “Oh, yeah, just…you know.” I let out a sigh. “To be honest, I feel like I’m about to vomit.” I whined. “And look” I lifted my hand “I’m shaking.”

“Gosh, how much coffee did you have?” Malorie stopped at a red light.

“It’s not the coffee.” I paused and then continued “I thought I was over this Phil anxiety, but to be honest I feel like jumping out of this car and running back to the airport. It would be a hell of a lot easier than facing him.”

“Why are you so afraid of seeing him?” She looked at the light which was still red. “I don’t get it, sweetie.”

“I don’t know.” I admitted. “I don’t know how to explain it.” I continued. “It’s like…you know when you had that big competition for hairstyles” I looked to Malorie and she nodded “and you were so excited about it, but yet you were scared that something would go horribly wrong and you had a nightmare that you cut off your client’s ear.”

“Gosh, that was awful!” Mal said as she remembered the dream.

“Right, well it’s like that for me.”

“You’re scared you’re going to cut Phil’s ear off?” Mal looked confused and laughed.

“Nooo” I rolled my eyes. “I’m scared that something could go horribly wrong.”

“Like what?” She turned into the parking lot of the bar and I felt like I should start breathing in a paper bag or something.

“Like, what if he’s disappointed? What if he doesn’t like me? What if I end up in love and alone?”

“Hand me my purse” she pointed next to my feet where her purse was sitting. How rude, I thought. Here I am pouring my heart out and she probably wants to re-apply lip gloss.

“I went to the store next to my place before coming to pick you up.” She said as she unzipped her purse. “Phil was working, so you have an hour or so to calm down before he shows up.” She explained. “So I’m on my way out of the store after paying for my gum, and Phil is like ‘Hey Mal, wait up!’”

I turned to her “What did he want?” I asked eagerly.

“He asked me to give this to you.” She turned on the light in the car and handed me a pack of skittles.

My heart melted; I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. He remembered.

“So…” Malorie gave me a confused look. “Is a bag of skittles the equivalent of a bouquet of flowers in the ‘Joyel and Phil world’?”

“Better.” I smiled as I remembered telling Phil the story about how my Papa would buy me a bag of skittles every Tuesday night after dance class. The tradition continued on even when dance class ended. I think a part of me associated skittles with the joy I had when spending time with Papa and because of it I was always obsessed with them. They made me happy and Phil knew that as long as I had my skittles, everything was going to be OK.

“Aw, so you’re both equally corny! How cute.” Mal laughed as I told her the story. “Am I a good match maker or what?” She smiled.

“The best!” I beamed.

We walked into Relay and I could see Keven’s tall frame in a distance. He had his arm around a blonde girl who looked like she could be his little sister.

“Who’s that with Kev?” I asked Malorie as we checked our coats.

“Oh that’s his new girlfriend” she rolled her eyes. “I think she’s in high school.” She giggled.

“Holy Guac! What is she doing in here?” I pointed to the 18+ sign at the entrance.

“She and her posse get in because Keven knows the new bouncer.”

“There’s more of them?”

“Oh yes, she usually travels with three others.” Malorie leaned in closer to me. “They get completely wasted and it usually results in Kev’s girlfriend crying for some reason or other, and then she yells at him and he has to bring her home.”

“There’s a keeper!” I laughed.

I walked up behind Keven and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and gave me the biggest hug and twirled me around. I could see his girlfriend standing behind him with her arms crossed, giving me the evil eye. OK. Please put me down before she gets drunk and yells at me. I thought.

“Kev, can you get me another drink?” she pouted and then kissed him on the cheek as if marking her territory.

“Sure.” And off he went, like a little puppy, to the bar to fetch a drink for her.

“I’m Alli” she extended her hand along with a fake smile.

“Oh!” I said taken aback. She did not come across as an Alli and for some reason I kind of expected her to present herself as Drizella Tremaine. “Nice to meet you Alli, I’m Joyel.” I said politely.

“I’m Keven’s girlfriend” she said as if it mattered to me. Seriously are we done here? I have to go mentally prepare for Phil, move over Drizella, I couldn’t help but think as I eyed Malorie standing with her hands on her hips yelling at someone for sitting at our table. I giggled as I watched her. Malorie would make a great CEO. I pictured her sitting upright in a swivel chair behind a big mahogany desk saying “you’re fired” in a Donald Trump way as Drizella went on about how she and Keven ended up dating. She was half smiling, a real smile, which was a huge step up from the evil eye she was giving me two minutes ago. Maybe Drizella and I could be friends, I thought. Maybe I could do her make-up for prom, oh! And Malorie could do her hair. She sure could use…

“Joyel!” I heard Malorie yell my name over the music.

“Well” I cut her off “it was nice meeting you…” I paused. Not Drizella, not Drizella, “Alli” I finally managed.

“Whatever” she scoffed. OK, definitely not BFF’s with Drizella any time soon

I quickly made my way over to the table where Malorie and Simon were sitting. I grabbed my cell phone to check the time. It read 11:03, which meant that Phil had just finished work and was probably on his way. I felt my stomach jolt as I thought about him walking in at any moment. My jaw was shaking and my body was numb as if I had just jumped in a pool full of ice.

“Thanks!” I grabbed the Gin and Tonic that Malorie had ordered for me.

“Thirsty much?” Malorie’s eyes widened as she watched me drink it down.

“Careful or you’ll end up like that one over there” Simon pointed to Alli aka Drizella who appeared to be drunkenly yelling at one of her friends, Anastasia, I assumed.  

“Why is she yelling at the poor goth looking girl with buck teeth? She obviously already has enough problems she doesn’t need that dumb twit yelling at her.” Malorie said in such a defensive tone that I thought she was going to march over there and slap Drizella, but she simply returned to her regular self; pointing out random people’s awful hair and asking me if she should go over and give them her card.

“What about that girl?” She pointed to a short stubby girl with practically no hair on her head.

“Her head is shaved.” I pointed out. “How could you possibly help her?” I played along.

“Well technically it’s not shaved” Mal paused and then continued “she does have a Mohawk” she explained.   

“Which girl?” Simon joined in.

“The one with the studded belt and her muffin top and ass hanging out” Malorie pointed directly at her.

“Mal!” I pulled her arm down. “Don’t point directly at her.”

“She looks familiar.” Malorie squinted as if she needed glasses and squinting would help her see more clearly.

“The girl with the Mohawk?” Simon questioned and Malorie nodded. “That’s Phil’s…” he paused and looked at me “that’s err…no idea.”

“Then why is she looking over here waving at you?” Mal said in a snooty tone as if to say ha! Got you.

“She is?” Simon turned his head. “She’s not waving at me?” He looked confused.

“OK. So she’s not waving at you, but why does she look familiar?” Malorie was interrogating Simon. I almost felt scared for Simon. Malorie would be the type of detective to beat the truth out of you with your own hand. “Did we go to high school with her?”

“No…” Simon sighed. “She’s Phil’s girlfriend.” He finally said.

I felt my heart sink. Phil’s girlfriend? What the hell does he mean? I felt myself get hot in the face. Both Simon and Malorie were looking at me as if they were expecting some sort of answer. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. I wouldn’t have known what to say even if I could speak. My mind was racing. Phil’s girlfriend. I kept repeating the words over and over in my mind as if they would become easier swallow, but they didn’t.

“I thought he broke up with her?” Malorie and Simon were having a conversation, but I couldn’t focus on anything they were saying.

I grabbed my cell phone to check my text messages, but my inbox was empty. I picked up my Gin and Tonic and downed the rest of the drink. Simon and Malorie had stopped talking at this point and were just watching me. I looked over at Malorie’s drink and picked it up.

“May I?” I was shaking.

“Err yeah sure, go ahead.” Her eyes were wide.

I downed Malorie’s drink and hit the compose button on my phone.

You’re a fucking asshole

No, Joyel, be cool. I instructed myself.

Hey! You coming tonight? Fucking asshole

OK. Maybe that last part is too much. I thought and erased it before hitting send.

I was sitting alone at the table with Simon who was watching me like I was some circus act. Malorie was rushing back to the table in her heels with two shots and a drink in hand.

“My treat!” She smiled as she placed them in front of me.

“I guess your match making skills aren’t looking so hot now are they?” Simon laughed.

“Screw you, Simon!” Malorie retorted. “Take you medicine, sweetie.” She pointed to the drinks, instructing me.

I took my drinks, one after the other, as I waited impatiently for Phil to reply. I felt my phone vibrate and I jumped up.

“Did he answer?” I heard Malorie’s voice.

“I can’t look.” I handed her the phone.

She looked down at the phone and then back up at me. She shook her as if to say no and then placed her hand on my shoulder. Sorry she mouthed. “He’s not coming”.

“If it makes you feel any better, he tried to break up with her a bunch of times.” Simon said sympathetically.

“Well he should have tried harder!” Malorie read my thoughts. “Come on, grow some balls!” She shouted making Simon jump.

I looked over at Phil’s girlfriend, her muffin top in all its glory. Seriously? That’s who he’s with? Are you kidding me? What am I, chopped liver? A part of me wanted to go over there and meet her. Introduce myself as Phil’s friend and get to know the girl who is sharing his bed. Why not pour an entire jar of salt on the wound? I wondered. Another part of me wanted to tell her the truth. But what good would that do? I wasn’t anything to Phil, so I wouldn’t even know what to introduce myself as. I was just the scared little girl who just wanted to run home cry her broken little heart out.

“I’m sorry, but I think if you want to do something you should just have the balls to do it.” Malorie was explaining to Simon.

“You know what?” I smiled at Malorie. “That’s not a bad idea.” I grabbed my purse and made a bee line towards Phil’s girlfriend. My heart was pounding inside my chest and I felt like I could stress vomit at any moment. I could really use an anti-nausea sticker right now, I realized as my wobbly legs made their way up to her. I saw Keven standing right behind her. He noticed me and the expression on my face. His jaw dropped as he saw who I was looking at.

“Hi” I gave her my biggest smile as she turned to look at me.

“Err hello?”

“Since Phil can’t make it tonight, he asked me to give you this.” I handed her the pack of skittles. “You know, as an apology for not coming.” I said and smiled politely.

“Really?” She beamed. “How do you know my Phil?” My Phil. MY Phil. The way she said it made me want to rip that little Mohawk right off of her head. Well you see, your Phil, is actually the same Phil as MY Phil.

“Oh you know, just some girl who’s delivering skittles to his lovely girlfriend for him.” I smiled through my teeth. “Make sure you tell him Joyel delivered them for you OK?”

“Sure, no problem. Isn’t he sweet?”

“Oh the sweetest!” I beamed. “A real gem!”

I felt Keven grab me by the hand and I turned to face him. “You OK?” he leaned in closer to me.

“Tell Mal I left, will you?” I said; my face hot and my entire body shaking.

I made my way outside and felt the cold air on my arms. I felt like there was no amount of air in the world that could help me breathe. I managed to walk to the other side of the building where there was nothing but a garbage bin in sight. I slumped miserably on to the ground and started sobbing.

“Sweetie, here put on your coat.” Malorie stood next to me.

“I don’t want my coat” I whined. “I just…” I paused and sobbed some more before continuing “I just want my skittles back.” I sobbed.

“I know you do” Malorie picked me up off of the ground “Come on, let’s get you home.”

“I bet I’m giving Drizella a run for her money right now, huh?”

“Who?” Malorie gave me a confused look.

I shook my head as if to say never mind. Malorie whipped the tears off my face and attempted to fix my hair.

“So much for my fairy tale ending, huh?” I forced a laugh and Malorie gave me a sympathetic smile.

“On the bright side, at least my boob didn’t pop out!” I pointed to my dress.

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