Everyone Relapses at Least Once, Right?

            It was April 2, 2004. I had been out West for a complete week and I was still cleaning rooms. I had contacted Steven, who, after looking in my file, reminded me that when I had filled out the form I had checked the box that stated “all job offers” and that the print out he gave me clearly stated Housepeeking in the job description. I thought for a moment and vaguely remembered seeing it, but I assumed that it meant they would provide housekeeping for my room. I was so excited about the sporting and recreational facilities that I didn’t even bother reading the job description. I couldn’t help but remember what mom had said to me What if the job doesn’t work out? I wanted to call her and ask what to do, but I couldn’t admit that she was right and I wasn’t ready to go home.

            I hadn’t returned to the internet café since last Saturday. In the evenings, I was so exhausted from cleaning rooms all the day that I couldn’t bring myself to walk. After reading Phil’s messages that Saturday, I left the internet café with a heavy heart. I opted to not respond to him. Not because I wanted to hurt him, but because I didn’t want to cause myself any more pain. I had come out West to move on with my life and discover a world outside of the Phil bubble I had been stuck in. I knew I had invested way too many feelings way too fast and the thought of it scared me. The worst part was that Phil had no idea how I really felt or why I really left. No one did. I had convinced myself, along with everyone else that I left for work when really I left because I was scared. The truth was that in the beginning, when Phil first came into my life, I only planned on leaning on him recreationally, but then I started needing him every day. I became addicted to the way he made me feel. He was my drug and I needed to quit cold turkey.

            I was cleaning my last room of the day, and was happy that it was a stay because that meant the clients were staying an extra night and I only had to do little touch-ups. I placed the cart in front of the door and grabbed my cleaning products. I placed my housekeeping card on the knob and closed the door behind me. I turned on the television hoping to catch the end of The Ellen DeGeneres Show and made my way over to the bed to tidy it up just like Kat had showed me: two folds down at the top, pleated corners and trucked in all around. I couldn’t help but notice a laptop in the corner of the desk. Everything reminded me of Phil, but laptops especially. I couldn’t help but wonder what he had been up to and if he missed me. I missed the conversations we used to have, late at night when the rest of the world was asleep.

I was dusting off the television stand; Ellen was interviewing Ashlee Simpson, who had just performed Pieces of me. I laughed as I remembered how last Saturday, after way too many Rum & Cokes, Kat, James, Luke, Trina and I wobbled our way to another bar where these two guys were convinced I was Ashlee Simpson. Luke insisted I go along with it and I had spent twenty minutes talking about “my sister Jessica”. Eventually they asked me for a picture and I declined saying that I wasn’t allowed to do so without my manager present. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud as I remembered how James even started calling me Ash, and pretended to be my new band member. Phil would love this story, I thought as I wiped down the glass cover on the desk. I accidently bump the mouse with my rag and the screen on the laptop goes directly to an open web browser. I peered at it with great interest and tried to resist the urge to type in the URL to my email account. Everyone relapses at least once, right? I thought. And before I knew it, I had opened a new browser and was typing in my password and hitting the enter key. My eyes darted back and forth, from the screen to the door. I grabbed the remote and turned off the television to make sure I could hear every footstep, every sound. For a moment, I wished I was Paddy-Cakes so I too could have incredible hearing. My inbox page loaded and I had 10 new messages. Two of them were Dawn, and the rest from Phil. My heart began to beat faster and I clicked on the least recent one.

Hell-o Angel! I hope everything is going well and that you are having fun. The snow is melting and I only have a month of school left. Before we know, it will be summer and you will be back. I’ve never been so excited to see seasons change.

Phil xX

Hell-o Angel! I was walking in the mall today and saw a poster for a new CD by a girl named Ashlee Simpson. I thought it was you. Apparently she’s Jessica Simpson’s sister and she has her own show on MTV. You think if I watch it it’ll make me feel like you’re still here?

Phil xX

Hell-o Angel! I recorded the song we wrote together. I’ll send it to you when it’s ready.

Phil xX

Hell-o Angel! I went out last night...it just wasn’t the same without you there. Other than that, Malorie was there and she’s still pretty much the same...as annoying as ever. Don’t tell her I told you that, wouldn’t want her to cut my ear next time I go to the salon.

Phil xX

Hell-o Angel! Can you keep a secret? I miss you.

Phil xX

I heard footsteps close to the door and rushed to delete the recent history. “Hurry!” I whispered to the hourglass cursor that appeared on the screen. The web page went blank and I heard keys in the knob. I immediately hit the sleep key on the laptop and grabbed my rag feeling flushed as the door opened.

“Hiya! Need any help” I heard Kat’s voice.

“Oh thank goodness, it’s you!” I let you a sigh of relief.

“Woah! You look like you just saw a ghost, you okay chicky?”

“Yeah, err, I’m fine” I said casually leaning on the desk.

“What were you up to?” Kat looked intrigued as she let out a laugh.

“Oh err, you know, just” I showed her my cleaning rag “dusting” I continued.

“No really, what were you up to?” She smiled. “Watching TV? Nosing through the stacks of papers? Come on, tell me!” She insisted. “We’ve all done it” she added.

“Checking my email.” I said quietly.

“Woah! That’s a first!” She yelled out.

“Shh” I instructed her. “It was really important.” I paused. “Now that you’re here, maybe I can check the rest of them.” I gave her a begging look.

“What do you mean?” she looked at me dumbfounded.

“Like you go and pretend to look for something on the cart.” I thought for a moment and continued “and like fake sneeze or something if you see anyone coming.”

“Got it!” she smiled excitedly. “This is such a rush, I feel like I’m in an episode of Home and Away.” She beamed.

“Huh?” I gave her a confused look as I wiggled the mouse back and forth.

“Aussie soap opera” She explained. “Nevermind.” She ran out of the room and closed the door behind her.

Moments later I was back into my email account rushing to read the remaining messages.

Hell-o Angel!

“I feel like I’ve lost everything when you’re gone

Left remembering what it’s like to have you here with me

I thought you should know,

You’re not making this easy.”

When I made you the CD, I knew this song would one day remind me of you. I guess today’s that day. (Track 13)

Phil xX

I fought the tears as I clicked on his final message.

Hell-o Angel!

 Kev gave me your phone number,..I figured I would give you a call after my show tonight (Friday). It might be late considering the time difference...but I hope you’ll answer.

Phil xX

Oh my goodness! I can’t do this, I can’t speak to him on the phone. I was panicking. I heard Kat sneeze five times outside the door. Real subtle Kat, I thought as I rushed to finish deleting the recent history. I grabbed my rag and hurried to meet Kat. I opened the door and she was standing there alone.

“Sorry, allergies.” She smiled. “Perhaps next time I’ll caw like a crow or something.” She continued.

“Good idea!” I laughed.

“So who were the important emails from?” Kat asked me as we pushed the cart toward the laundry room.

“This guy from back home.” I said trying to sound casual.

“Ah, so there’s a boy!”She said as she grabbed some facecloths to help me fill up the cart.

“Yeah, there’s a boy.” I rolled my eyes.

“So why did you leave?”She asked sounding intrigued.

“Because...” I paused “well, because there’s a boy.” I laughed at how stupid the words sounded when I said them out loud.

            An hour later, Kat and I were sitting in my room listening to the CD Phil had made for me as I told her all about him.

“Like Woah!” Kat exclaimed as she poured herself a cup of tea.

“Sorry if I’m boring you with all my talk about Phil.” I laughed.

“Boring me?” She laughed. “Are you kidding?” she paused and continued “This is probably the cutest story ever.”

“It drove me across the country!” I couldn’t help but laugh. “How is that even remotely cute?”

“Because, when you guys end up getting married it’s going to be the most amazing love story ever.” She explained. “You guys meet and fall in love, but are too scared to face the emotions so you run away and destiny brings you back together.” She pointed out.

I jumped up from the bed. “You really think we’ll get married?” I beamed

“I have a feeling the stars are definitely aligned for you two.” She thought for a moment. “They have to be.” She added.

“Wow!” I exclaimed. “I bet you’re right.” I couldn’t help but smile. “You can be my maid of honour.” I added.

“Oh Definitely!” She smiled. “I wouldn’t miss a Joyel and Philly Cheese wedding for the world.”

I burst out laughing at Kat’s Philly Cheese remark. She had the cutest habit of giving people nicknames that really ended up sticking. I had only been living in Oreo for a week and was already calling Luke Lucky Luke.

            It was almost midnight and I knew Phil’s shows usually ended around 9 or 10 p.m. Eastern Time, so I expected his call within the next hour. I kept checking my phone to make sure the volume was on and that the battery was fully charged. I had called mom earlier to tell her about my week, leaving out the details of the housekeeping job. Whenever she mentioned work I would reply with short sentences that weren’t technically lies like “Work is good” and “Clients are nice” which they were with their generous tips. I even managed to work my way out the pickle I had gotten myself into by telling her to use Spray Nine cleaning product when she told me about her stained coffee pot. When she asked me how I knew that I informed her that Kat worked in housekeeping – which she did. After that, I made up some excuse about having to hang up to go show James how to make jell-o, which in retrospect seemed like a good excuse at the time, but then mom pointed that you just have to add hot and cold water, respectively. I ignored her comment and hung up anyway.

So there I was, sitting on my bed, listening to my Have a nice trip CD and waiting for Phil to call. The time on my cell phone read 1 a.m. and I could hear people shouting in the living room as they played board games. I was missing out, but for good reasons. Kat came to my door a few times wondering if Phil had called, but I told her he hadn’t. I was beginning to wonder if he would.

An hour later, when Kat came in to say goodnight, Phil still hadn’t called.

“Maybe you should just ring him up yourself.” She suggested.

“I don’t have his number.” I pointed out.

“Well, I hope he calls.” She gave me a sincere smile and said good night before closing my door.

“Me too” I whispered to myself as I looked down at the phone in my hands.

I sat down on my bed and rested my back against the pillows. I reached over to my CD player and put on track 13 and listened to the words that Phil had written in the email. As the song ended, I closed my eyes and listened to the ending lyrics I'll fall asleep tonight, 'cause that brings me closer to you. And for a moment, I secretly wished that I was falling alseep anywhere next to him.