Don't you Want to say Goodbye?

                I was changing into my pyjamas while Malorie went to make a phone call in the living room. Paddy was curled up in a little ball sleeping soundly in the empty suitcase in the corner of the bedroom. I’m sure going to miss you, I thought as I watched her sleep.

“What are you doing in your pyjamas?” Malorie was standing in the door frame of my bedroom. “Are you coming to Relay?” She continued.

“I wasn’t planning on it.” I admitted.

“You have to come. Simon and Keven are going to be there and they really want to see you before you leave. Please sweetie.” She begged.

“I don’t think it would be appropriate, Mal.”

“What do you mean?” She looked confused. “Phil won’t even be there.” She continued.

“How do you know?” I said quickly, wondering if she knew what he had been up to.

“I was just talking to Simon. He was at the store where Phil started working this week.” She said. “Phil’s working tonight.” She smiled.

“I didn’t even know Phil was looking for a job.” I felt a pang in my stomach as I thought of all the things I was going to miss without Phil in my life.

“Well you’re not coming to Relay wearing that are you?” She pointed to my pink flannel pyjamas. “Get dressed” She said bossily.

                We arrive at Relay shortly after 10 p.m. Before agreeing to go, I made a deal with Malorie that I would make an appearance if she promised we would leave early. Though I knew that Phil wouldn’t be there, my eyes darted in panic around the crowded bar as we walked in. Malorie grabbed me by the hand, leading to be followed to the far end of the bar.

“Hey Mal, do you want to get a drink before sitting down?” I said stopping by the bar area.

“Hey girls! Joyel, what can I get for you? Gin and Tonic?” Tommy, the bartender, said as he adjusted his big, round black-framed glasses. I nodded my head yes and looked over at Malorie.

“I’m good. Come meet me when you’re done.” She pointed to a table where Keven , Simon and Audrey were sitting, and she walked away.

I smiled over at Tommy as I grabbed my wallet searching for money. I handed him a five dollar bill, telling him to keep the change. I turned to my right to see some drunken boy wobbling his way behind me to get through. Drink in hand, I pushed the black bar stool out from in front of me and tried to move ahead, but before I knew it the drink fell out of my hand as the drunken boy rammed in to my back. I turned to face him.

“I’m so sorry”, he said his voice slurred as he put his hand on my shoulder.

The flashing lights from the dance floor showed me a glimpse of his face and my heart stopped. I felt shaky as my knees wobbled. I met Phil’s eyes, and he met mine. My mouth went to move, but no words came out. I could tell in his eyes that he knew it was me, though he was far from sober. We starred at each for what felt like ten minutes, when in reality it was probably a mere second before Phil finally walked away. Grabbing my purse, I regained focus and rushed over to Malorie. She waved over at me and I made a bee line for the table. She stood up to come meet me looking panicked.

“Oh my god Joyel, I have to-“

“You told me he wouldn’t be here.” I interrupted her

“Simon said he wasn’t coming.” She said defensively.

“Well he’s here.” I pointed out.

“Um, sweetie, have you seen him?” She said and paused. “It doesn’t look like he even knows where he is.” She said sarcastically. “Do you want to leave?”

I didn’t know what to answer. A part of me wanted to run away as fast as I could, and the other part wanted to run directly into his arms. I thought that if I ever saw him again I would be okay, but the truth was that I was far from okay. The horrible plunge in my stomach began to resurface, my heart was in my throat, and I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry. 

“Sweetie maybe you should seat down, you look pale.” Malorie grabbed my hand and lead me to the table. I slumped down in the chair and twenty minutes went by before I finally said it.

“I need to talk to him.”

“I think he left.” Malorie said looking sorry.

“Malorie, I really need to talk to him” I said my eyes tearing up.

“Okay sweetie, let’s look around.” 

Malorie began to scope out the bar to see if she could make out any friends that they had in common, as I looked in the opposite direction.

“I think I just saw him head to restroom area.” Malorie’s voice made me jump.

“Me too!” I smiled, feeling relieved. “I’ll be back.” I found myself saying.

I stood up grabbing my purse and took off like I was on a mission. I headed to the restroom area and stood by the cigarette dispenser. As I waited I wondered what I would say to him. I was excited and nervous. I had to know. Every time I heard the doors open I would jump and feel butterflies in my stomach. Finally, he came around the corner and I looked up at him. He looked at me and smiled. I returned the smile, holding back my tears. Don’t cry! Don’t cry! I told myself over and over. He grabbed my hand.

“I missed you this week.” He said and I grinned at him.

“I hear you’re working...” I replied.

“Just trying to keep my mind occupied.” He said playing with the buttons on the cigarette dispenser.

“So how have you been?” I asked sincerely as I touched his arm.

“Great!” He said smiling through his teeth. “Everything is perfect.” He paused. “Life could not be better.” He said his voice like daggers.

“Are you mad at me or something?”

“Why would I be mad at you?” He asked defensively.

“I don’t know” I admitted. “Because I’m leaving.” The words came out of my mouth.

“If it’s what you want then why would I be mad at you?” He leaned his back against the red wall. “I just think you really suck for not telling me before.” He said and walked away.

I went to grab his arm to tell him to wait, but he was too far ahead. I immediately followed him through the crowd. I could see him heading toward the coat check and desperately wanted to finish our conversation and know what he meant by before. I had no idea what I was going to say to him, but I selfishly wanted more.

Suddenly I was behind him. He looked over at me and I searched for the words I wanted to say.

“We need to talk.” I said in a quiet tone.

“Talk.” He instructed me.

“Don’t look at me like that.” I whined.

“Like what?” He inquired as he lifted his shoulders up.

I stared at him, studying his face and finally said the words.

“Like it hurts to.”

 “Are we done here?” He said putting on his jacket.

“Phil” I begged. “I’m leaving Friday.”

“I know.” He said looking down.

“Don’t you care at all?” I paused. “Don’t you want to say goodbye.”

“Of course I care.” He said forcing a smile. “I’m going to miss our dream world.”

“Me too.” I smiled back at him. And just like that I had forgotten why were even fighting in the first place. What happened over at the cigarette dispenser had become a blank as Phil picked me up in his arms and twirled me around. He had this ability to calm me down immediately after winding me up. I never knew what to expect and neither did he. He hugged me tight and put me back down on my feet.

“I’m going to miss you.” He paused and touched my face. “You’re my angel, you know that right?” He smiled. I nodded my head.

And all at once it was over. I was standing there alone staring at my reflection in the glass door.