A not so Fairy Tale Ending

I hopped out of the shower and put on my new birthday dress that Kat and I had picked out before she left for her road trip. I was straightening my hair and Paddy-Cakes was sitting on the side of the bath watching me get ready. She was happy to see me when I arrived merely an hour ago. Audrey must have told her that I was coming because when I opened the door to my apartment, Paddy was sitting there waiting.

“Did you miss mommy?” I kneeled down and gave her a kiss on the top of the head.

Malorie was on her way over to pick me up; she called right before I got in the shower and squealed when I answered. Keven and Simon were already at the bar waiting for us, which meant that Phil was probably there too – or least on his way. Everything was just like it used to be.

“Knock Knock” I heard Mal’s voice as she opened the door. Paddy jumped up and ran out of the bathroom to greet her.

“Wow, you look beautiful.” Malorie walked over to give me a hug and Paddy trotted behind her.

“Well, you know, I try.” I smiled and turned back to the mirror to finish applying my mascara. I examined myself and the mirror and had to admit that Mal was right. I looked great. At first, I wasn’t too sure about the dress as it was a tube top one and I always had this fear that one of my boobs would pop out if I lifted an arm, but after Kat made me dance around the changing room for 10 minutes and nothing happened I figured I was safe.

I slipped on my converse tennis shoes to make it seem like I wasn’t trying too hard and headed out the door after giving Paddy a few good-night treats.

“I’m so happy that you’re back birthday girl.” Malorie pulled out of the drive way. “Tonight is going to be so much fun.” She turned to me for a response, but I was looking out the window and lost in my own thoughts. “Are you OK?”

“Huh?” I turned to face her. “Oh, yeah, just…you know.” I let out a sigh. “To be honest, I feel like I’m about to vomit.” I whined. “And look” I lifted my hand “I’m shaking.”

“Gosh, how much coffee did you have?” Malorie stopped at a red light.

“It’s not the coffee.” I paused and then continued “I thought I was over this Phil anxiety, but to be honest I feel like jumping out of this car and running back to the airport. It would be a hell of a lot easier than facing him.”

“Why are you so afraid of seeing him?” She looked at the light which was still red. “I don’t get it, sweetie.”

“I don’t know.” I admitted. “I don’t know how to explain it.” I continued. “It’s like…you know when you had that big competition for hairstyles” I looked to Malorie and she nodded “and you were so excited about it, but yet you were scared that something would go horribly wrong and you had a nightmare that you cut off your client’s ear.”

“Gosh, that was awful!” Mal said as she remembered the dream.

“Right, well it’s like that for me.”

“You’re scared you’re going to cut Phil’s ear off?” Mal looked confused and laughed.

“Nooo” I rolled my eyes. “I’m scared that something could go horribly wrong.”

“Like what?” She turned into the parking lot of the bar and I felt like I should start breathing in a paper bag or something.

“Like, what if he’s disappointed? What if he doesn’t like me? What if I end up in love and alone?”

“Hand me my purse” she pointed next to my feet where her purse was sitting. How rude, I thought. Here I am pouring my heart out and she probably wants to re-apply lip gloss.

“I went to the store next to my place before coming to pick you up.” She said as she unzipped her purse. “Phil was working, so you have an hour or so to calm down before he shows up.” She explained. “So I’m on my way out of the store after paying for my gum, and Phil is like ‘Hey Mal, wait up!’”

I turned to her “What did he want?” I asked eagerly.

“He asked me to give this to you.” She turned on the light in the car and handed me a pack of skittles.

My heart melted; I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. He remembered.

“So…” Malorie gave me a confused look. “Is a bag of skittles the equivalent of a bouquet of flowers in the ‘Joyel and Phil world’?”

“Better.” I smiled as I remembered telling Phil the story about how my Papa would buy me a bag of skittles every Tuesday night after dance class. The tradition continued on even when dance class ended. I think a part of me associated skittles with the joy I had when spending time with Papa and because of it I was always obsessed with them. They made me happy and Phil knew that as long as I had my skittles, everything was going to be OK.

“Aw, so you’re both equally corny! How cute.” Mal laughed as I told her the story. “Am I a good match maker or what?” She smiled.

“The best!” I beamed.

We walked into Relay and I could see Keven’s tall frame in a distance. He had his arm around a blonde girl who looked like she could be his little sister.

“Who’s that with Kev?” I asked Malorie as we checked our coats.

“Oh that’s his new girlfriend” she rolled her eyes. “I think she’s in high school.” She giggled.

“Holy Guac! What is she doing in here?” I pointed to the 18+ sign at the entrance.

“She and her posse get in because Keven knows the new bouncer.”

“There’s more of them?”

“Oh yes, she usually travels with three others.” Malorie leaned in closer to me. “They get completely wasted and it usually results in Kev’s girlfriend crying for some reason or other, and then she yells at him and he has to bring her home.”

“There’s a keeper!” I laughed.

I walked up behind Keven and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and gave me the biggest hug and twirled me around. I could see his girlfriend standing behind him with her arms crossed, giving me the evil eye. OK. Please put me down before she gets drunk and yells at me. I thought.

“Kev, can you get me another drink?” she pouted and then kissed him on the cheek as if marking her territory.

“Sure.” And off he went, like a little puppy, to the bar to fetch a drink for her.

“I’m Alli” she extended her hand along with a fake smile.

“Oh!” I said taken aback. She did not come across as an Alli and for some reason I kind of expected her to present herself as Drizella Tremaine. “Nice to meet you Alli, I’m Joyel.” I said politely.

“I’m Keven’s girlfriend” she said as if it mattered to me. Seriously are we done here? I have to go mentally prepare for Phil, move over Drizella, I couldn’t help but think as I eyed Malorie standing with her hands on her hips yelling at someone for sitting at our table. I giggled as I watched her. Malorie would make a great CEO. I pictured her sitting upright in a swivel chair behind a big mahogany desk saying “you’re fired” in a Donald Trump way as Drizella went on about how she and Keven ended up dating. She was half smiling, a real smile, which was a huge step up from the evil eye she was giving me two minutes ago. Maybe Drizella and I could be friends, I thought. Maybe I could do her make-up for prom, oh! And Malorie could do her hair. She sure could use…

“Joyel!” I heard Malorie yell my name over the music.

“Well” I cut her off “it was nice meeting you…” I paused. Not Drizella, not Drizella, “Alli” I finally managed.

“Whatever” she scoffed. OK, definitely not BFF’s with Drizella any time soon

I quickly made my way over to the table where Malorie and Simon were sitting. I grabbed my cell phone to check the time. It read 11:03, which meant that Phil had just finished work and was probably on his way. I felt my stomach jolt as I thought about him walking in at any moment. My jaw was shaking and my body was numb as if I had just jumped in a pool full of ice.

“Thanks!” I grabbed the Gin and Tonic that Malorie had ordered for me.

“Thirsty much?” Malorie’s eyes widened as she watched me drink it down.

“Careful or you’ll end up like that one over there” Simon pointed to Alli aka Drizella who appeared to be drunkenly yelling at one of her friends, Anastasia, I assumed.  

“Why is she yelling at the poor goth looking girl with buck teeth? She obviously already has enough problems she doesn’t need that dumb twit yelling at her.” Malorie said in such a defensive tone that I thought she was going to march over there and slap Drizella, but she simply returned to her regular self; pointing out random people’s awful hair and asking me if she should go over and give them her card.

“What about that girl?” She pointed to a short stubby girl with practically no hair on her head.

“Her head is shaved.” I pointed out. “How could you possibly help her?” I played along.

“Well technically it’s not shaved” Mal paused and then continued “she does have a Mohawk” she explained.   

“Which girl?” Simon joined in.

“The one with the studded belt and her muffin top and ass hanging out” Malorie pointed directly at her.

“Mal!” I pulled her arm down. “Don’t point directly at her.”

“She looks familiar.” Malorie squinted as if she needed glasses and squinting would help her see more clearly.

“The girl with the Mohawk?” Simon questioned and Malorie nodded. “That’s Phil’s…” he paused and looked at me “that’s err…no idea.”

“Then why is she looking over here waving at you?” Mal said in a snooty tone as if to say ha! Got you.

“She is?” Simon turned his head. “She’s not waving at me?” He looked confused.

“OK. So she’s not waving at you, but why does she look familiar?” Malorie was interrogating Simon. I almost felt scared for Simon. Malorie would be the type of detective to beat the truth out of you with your own hand. “Did we go to high school with her?”

“No…” Simon sighed. “She’s Phil’s girlfriend.” He finally said.

I felt my heart sink. Phil’s girlfriend? What the hell does he mean? I felt myself get hot in the face. Both Simon and Malorie were looking at me as if they were expecting some sort of answer. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. I wouldn’t have known what to say even if I could speak. My mind was racing. Phil’s girlfriend. I kept repeating the words over and over in my mind as if they would become easier swallow, but they didn’t.

“I thought he broke up with her?” Malorie and Simon were having a conversation, but I couldn’t focus on anything they were saying.

I grabbed my cell phone to check my text messages, but my inbox was empty. I picked up my Gin and Tonic and downed the rest of the drink. Simon and Malorie had stopped talking at this point and were just watching me. I looked over at Malorie’s drink and picked it up.

“May I?” I was shaking.

“Err yeah sure, go ahead.” Her eyes were wide.

I downed Malorie’s drink and hit the compose button on my phone.

You’re a fucking asshole

No, Joyel, be cool. I instructed myself.

Hey! You coming tonight? Fucking asshole

OK. Maybe that last part is too much. I thought and erased it before hitting send.

I was sitting alone at the table with Simon who was watching me like I was some circus act. Malorie was rushing back to the table in her heels with two shots and a drink in hand.

“My treat!” She smiled as she placed them in front of me.

“I guess your match making skills aren’t looking so hot now are they?” Simon laughed.

“Screw you, Simon!” Malorie retorted. “Take you medicine, sweetie.” She pointed to the drinks, instructing me.

I took my drinks, one after the other, as I waited impatiently for Phil to reply. I felt my phone vibrate and I jumped up.

“Did he answer?” I heard Malorie’s voice.

“I can’t look.” I handed her the phone.

She looked down at the phone and then back up at me. She shook her as if to say no and then placed her hand on my shoulder. Sorry she mouthed. “He’s not coming”.

“If it makes you feel any better, he tried to break up with her a bunch of times.” Simon said sympathetically.

“Well he should have tried harder!” Malorie read my thoughts. “Come on, grow some balls!” She shouted making Simon jump.

I looked over at Phil’s girlfriend, her muffin top in all its glory. Seriously? That’s who he’s with? Are you kidding me? What am I, chopped liver? A part of me wanted to go over there and meet her. Introduce myself as Phil’s friend and get to know the girl who is sharing his bed. Why not pour an entire jar of salt on the wound? I wondered. Another part of me wanted to tell her the truth. But what good would that do? I wasn’t anything to Phil, so I wouldn’t even know what to introduce myself as. I was just the scared little girl who just wanted to run home cry her broken little heart out.

“I’m sorry, but I think if you want to do something you should just have the balls to do it.” Malorie was explaining to Simon.

“You know what?” I smiled at Malorie. “That’s not a bad idea.” I grabbed my purse and made a bee line towards Phil’s girlfriend. My heart was pounding inside my chest and I felt like I could stress vomit at any moment. I could really use an anti-nausea sticker right now, I realized as my wobbly legs made their way up to her. I saw Keven standing right behind her. He noticed me and the expression on my face. His jaw dropped as he saw who I was looking at.

“Hi” I gave her my biggest smile as she turned to look at me.

“Err hello?”

“Since Phil can’t make it tonight, he asked me to give you this.” I handed her the pack of skittles. “You know, as an apology for not coming.” I said and smiled politely.

“Really?” She beamed. “How do you know my Phil?” My Phil. MY Phil. The way she said it made me want to rip that little Mohawk right off of her head. Well you see, your Phil, is actually the same Phil as MY Phil.

“Oh you know, just some girl who’s delivering skittles to his lovely girlfriend for him.” I smiled through my teeth. “Make sure you tell him Joyel delivered them for you OK?”

“Sure, no problem. Isn’t he sweet?”

“Oh the sweetest!” I beamed. “A real gem!”

I felt Keven grab me by the hand and I turned to face him. “You OK?” he leaned in closer to me.

“Tell Mal I left, will you?” I said; my face hot and my entire body shaking.

I made my way outside and felt the cold air on my arms. I felt like there was no amount of air in the world that could help me breathe. I managed to walk to the other side of the building where there was nothing but a garbage bin in sight. I slumped miserably on to the ground and started sobbing.

“Sweetie, here put on your coat.” Malorie stood next to me.

“I don’t want my coat” I whined. “I just…” I paused and sobbed some more before continuing “I just want my skittles back.” I sobbed.

“I know you do” Malorie picked me up off of the ground “Come on, let’s get you home.”

“I bet I’m giving Drizella a run for her money right now, huh?”

“Who?” Malorie gave me a confused look.

I shook my head as if to say never mind. Malorie whipped the tears off my face and attempted to fix my hair.

“So much for my fairy tale ending, huh?” I forced a laugh and Malorie gave me a sympathetic smile.

“On the bright side, at least my boob didn’t pop out!” I pointed to my dress.

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I'm Coming Home - Part Deux

Run, Joyel, run! I instructed myself mimicking Jenny in Forrest Gump. With a carry-on bag in one hand and a Grande Macchiato from Starbucks in the other, I was making my way to Gate 21. It was the day before my birthday and I was rushing to get back home for my party; my flight was delayed so as luck would have it, my layover in Toronto became more of a “runover” from one terminal to another.

No, no, no. I saw a group of people at a stand-still at the top of the stairs that I was running up. A family of six was standing around a crying toddler, each one of them attempting to distract him from his tantrum long enough so they could get him off the floor.

“Somebody get the child a cracker” I shouted as I made my way around them. I was a woman on a mission with 5 minutes left before take-off. I felt like the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, repeating over and over in my head I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date. No time to watch your child cry, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late. And I was late for a very important, – no, an extremely important – date; a date with Phil.

As I arrived, I could see people boarding and felt relieved to have made it in time. I handed my ticket to the lovely lady in a navy uniform, and let out a sigh of relief as I walked through the door.

“Thank you!” I whispered to the universe.

I took my seat, my heart still racing. I pulled my trusty CD player out of my bag, placed in on my lap and waited impatiently for the stewardess to come do her little arm movements up front so we could take off. Why isn’t she doing them yet? Come on already!

Everywhere, people were standing – some were still boarding, and others were trying to shove their oversized duffle bags into tiny overhead compartments. Idiots. Sit down!  I mean seriously, how long does it take to board a plane? A woman in a long black trench coat was kneeling over, blocking the entire aisle, whilst others behind her were trying to get through to their seats. Come on lady, move over. I read the looks on their faces. I tilted my head to the side to take a peek at what she was doing. Perhaps she too dropped everything from her purse and is looking for a lost tampon. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt as I thought about my previous experience. At this point, the tampon could be anywhere.  I thought as I looked around the carpeted floor. Oh crap!  I jumped back to my upright position and quickly grabbed the Emergency Instruction Manual and hid my face behind it. Oh God, it can’t be. I slowly tilted my head out from behind the manual and took a second look. Sure enough, there they were. The family of six. “Crying Johnny” was on the floor and the lady in the trench coat, his mother I assumed, was pulling him across the aisle to get him seated. They probably didn’t hear you in the airport, I considered as I went back in hiding. I looked to my left and noticed the empty seats across from me. Nooooooo! I thought, my eyes wide, as I watched them take their seats. Even if they did hear, they were busy looking at “Crying Johnny”, ha! They didn’t even see me, surely. I placed the manual back into its pocket on the seat in front of me, and looked around the plane, confidently. “Crying Johnny” was, well, crying, but on the bright side the stewardess was making her way down the aisle to ensure seat belts were fastened, which meant we were about to take off. Finally! I’ll be home soon. I thought.

“Can we get anything for the little one?” I heard the stewardess next to me and looked up.

“No he’ll be fine in a moment, thank you.” The lady in the trench coat smiled. The stewardess moved ahead and the child’s mother's eyes met mine. “On second thought” she raised her hand and shouted happily at the stewardess “have you got any crackers?” her tone changed.

Definitely saw me. I realized and turned my head to look out the window. Even as the plane took off, I could still feel the entire family looking at me and whispering – except for “Crying Johnny” who was too busy crying to even look up. I grabbed my headphones and pressed play on my CD player. The low battery symbol appeared on the display and I searched through my bag to find new ones – but came up empty handed. Crap! I thought as I threw my bag back down on the floor in disappointment. Peeping from its pocket, I could see the Emergency Instruction Manual and images of people with masks on and their heads between their legs. Somewhere between the crying child and the evil looks, I actually considered pulling down my mask and getting high off the oxygen. But I opted to re-read my latest journal entries instead.

As I read through my last week of entries, I couldn’t believe everything I had experience in such a short amount of time. I drove from San Francisco to Vegas, stopping along the way. I walked down Hollywood Boulevard and Venice Beach. I even saw Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s house! I had read in a gossip magazine that Brad liked to walk around naked so I was super excited when I saw that his house was part of the Star Tour. Unfortunately, his fence was as high as the house – just like the rest of the stars. As if people actually care what is happening in their yards. Really. Unless Brad Pitt walks around his yard naked, then I absolutely do care.

Nevertheless I made it to Vegas, without a scratch - on me that is! OK, so to be honest,   I did accidentally scratch the front of the car on a sidewalk – but I found nail polish in the exact same color as the car. You totally couldn’t even tell anymore. I was quite proud of my artistic ability. Phil laughed when I told him this, but really I think he was jealous of my street smarts. I sent him postcards from every place I visited and even got him some cute little presents from just about every place. I also sent postcards to Mom, who to my surprise didn’t completely want to kill me when I told her where I was. She simply said I have to pay everything back by a certain date or she is making me move home to work off my debt - yuck! But at least I’m still alive. Plus, I couldn’t see why I wouldn’t be able to pay it back – after all it was just a little credit card bill, right?

I heard the pilot’s voice announcing our arrival at the airport and couldn’t help but feel butterflies as I thought about seeing Phil in less than 2 hours. I had texted him two days ago asking if he was still going to be at my party, but hadn’t heard back from him. He was busy with exams and had four assignments due so I figured he wasn’t checking his phone much. Plus, he told me he wouldn’t miss it and I believed him. My leg was jumping up and down on its own as I thought about it. I was so excited to give him his gifts, but I was even more excited for what the night had in store for us. Maybe I’ll quickly shave my legs when I get home...just in case.


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I'm not Coming Home...yet!

I sat down on the green grass and placed my tote bag in front of me. The sun was coming up over the Golden Gate bridge and I hadn’t slept in god knows how long, but I didn’t care. I had just driven over 24 hours, making the occasional touristic stops along the way, but I had finally made it to San Francisco. It was early, but there was so much traffic on the bridge that you would think it was noon hour. I knew I should feel guilty for what I was doing, and that I should be freaking out inside for doing something so impulsive, but I was calm. Maybe it was the lack of sleep that was delaying my reaction, or perhaps it was the mesmerizing beauty of the sun trying to make its way through the fog, but for the first time in a long time I felt that I was exactly where I needed to be.

“Hello?” I said into my cell phone.

“Where in the hell are you? Was your flight delayed?” I heard Dawn’s voice through the phone. Shit. Why did I answer?

I knew I would eventually have to face reality and tell the truth, but I still hadn’t quite figured out my story yet. Got on the wrong flight? No that’s dumb. Was kidnapped and set free, unharmed, in a park by the Golden Gate Bridge? I imagined how the conversation would go.  A gasp on Dawn’s part followed by a “poor you, are you okay?” I would then proceed to tell her how utterly horrible it was, being trapped in a car, forced to look at the shiny Pacific Ocean out of my window. No, that won’t work – I would obviously be blind folded, I thought as I crossed off that idea. Offered a huge movie role and I am making my way to L.A. to start filming in a few days? I’m starring alongside the super adorable Adam Brody. Oh my gosh, I’m going to be a huge star! My smile faded as I realized I wasn’t actually offered a role in a movie. Drat! That would have been awesome.

“Hello? Joyel? Are you still there?” I heard Dawn’s frantic voice, bringing me back to earth.

“Yeah” I cleared my throat. “I’m errrr...” I thought for a moment and continued “OK. Don’t freak out.”

“Oh – this should be good.” She said sarcastically.

“I’m actually in San Fran right now, looking at the Golden Gate Bridge.” I paused before continuing “it’s so beautiful Dawn, and later I’m going to go see the Full House house!” I couldn’t help but shriek.

“You’re in San Francisco? What the hell are you doing in San Francisco?”

“I just told you, I’m going to see the Full House house!” Gosh that one never listens.

“How did you get there?”

“I drove” I said proudly. I could hear Dawn laughing hysterically. Did I say something funny? “What’s so funny?”

“Yeah OK, you drove to San Francisco!” I swear I could hear her eye roll. “You have a panic attack just thinking about driving in the city here and you expect me to believe you drove to San Francisco.” She laughed.

OK so maybe I should have gone with the kidnapping story.

“Did you miss your flight, or get on the wrong one or something?” Dawn was still laughing.

Sure, she’ll believe that I’m dumb enough to do that.

“No...I rented a car and drove to San Francisco, why is that so hard to believe?” I said defensively.

 “With what money?”

“I err...” I let out a sigh “credit card” I managed, lowering my voice in shame.

“WHAT?” She yelled. “Mom is going to kill you.” She continued. “I don’t know where you come up with these bright ideas.”

“Well actually Irene helped me figure it all out.” I said proudly. Oh! Wait, that was probably a rhetorical question, I realized as soon as I said it. Dawn couldn’t possibly think this was a bright idea, could she? Hmph.

“I swear to god, I don’t know how you get yourself into these messes.” Thought so. “And who in the world is Irene?” She said her name in ridicule.

“Irene”, I praised, “just so happens to be the lovely lady at the airport who worked at the Car Rental place. She totally encouraged me to live my dream and take this road trip.”

“Correction” Dawn said “she totally encouraged a neurotic and naïve girl to hand over her credit card.”

OK. So honestly that thought had crossed my mind somewhere between Seattle and Portland when I had a little panic attack in rush hour traffic; I almost got rammed into 84 times and somehow found myself mimicking Irene’s “Why not start today?” and “I can help you with the car situation if you want.” At one point, while crossing four lanes at once so I could get to an exit, I even crazily yelled “I’m going to fucking kill that bitch” at the top of my lungs. I was quite glad to be alone at the time, though a bearded man in the transport truck gave me a scared look – like I was a drooling Rottweiler ready to attack. Not my proudest moment, I had to admit.

“OK. So maybe she was just trying to coax me into renting a car, but the point is I’m here.” I smiled as I admired my surroundings.

“What about Phil? I thought you were rushing home to see him?” Dawn was interrogating me like we were playing Murder Mystery or something.

“I’ll be home for the party next weekend” I explained. “It’s just something I needed to do.” I said as if I was off having one last fling before settling down and getting married.

“You just needed to lace up your running shoes one last time?” She mocked me.

“I’m not on the run.” I said defensively. “I’m simply crossing something off of my bucket list” I explained. Yes, that’s good – write that one down and use it on mom later, I noted.

“Well have fun explaining that to mom.” She read my mind. “So I’ll see you Saturday?”

“Yes, I’ll be flying out from Vegas.”

“Okay be safe, love you.” She hung up.

I looked down at my phone and knew I had to call my mom. She was probably worried and I had already put her through enough. She’ll probably have them lock me up in Alcatraz, I thought. I felt like throwing up just thinking about how I was going to disappoint her again. This stress vomiting is really becoming a problem, I realized as I chugged my Pepto Bismol. I took out one of my trusty anti-nausea stickers that Kat had given me and placed it on my neck. Deep breaths, I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. My phone beeped, breaking my meditation session.

Hell-o Angel. How was your flight? Do you want to help me study tonight? xX

I read Phil’s message and clicked the reply button. I think I’m going to need another sticker.

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