What am I Going to do?

             Relay was amazing, but I ended up chickening out and not asking Phil on a proper date. Every time I got close to saying the words, I felt nauseous; in the same way I would feel before a big ballet recital when I was little. Malorie and I left early because I had to work the next day. Phil walked me to the door, gave me a hug goodbye and said we’d talk soon, but still hadn’t given me the kiss I longed for.

            It was Monday and I was at work coding stacks of room keys for a bus of tourists that was arriving that day. It was nearly lunch time when my boss asked me to go into his office.

“I got an interesting call today.” He said looking through papers on his desks.

Oh, oh! I thought. Was it the lady from the pool to whom I had failed to bring a towel? I wondered. She was not impressed. She came out of the pool area and walked all the way down the hall to the front desk with water dripping everywhere, her bikini bottom riding up her, and mascara running down her face. Thankfully, as I saw her open the door to exit the pool, I realized I forgot to bring her the towel so I ducked out of there and went to check the faxes.

“Really? From whom?” I asked my boss, Steven.

“One of our chain hotels out West.” He informed me. “They said they received your request of transfer and had a position available.”

“They just received it now? Didn’t we send that out in June?” I asked him in a confused tone.

“Yes, exactly. My guess is that they archived it in their résumés because they didn’t need anyone at the time.” He said handing me the employment offer. “If you’re still interested I can make a call.” He put his hand on the telephone. “We’d hate to see you go, but we could always just find a replacement until you come back.” He continued.

I looked down at the paper, examined the job offer, and wondered what to do. The starting date read March 29, 2004. It was exactly two weeks away. I really wanted to go, but it was all happening so fast.

“Can I think about it and get back to you?” I asked Steven.

“Sure. Let me know by the end of the week.”

            I walked out of Steven’s office and headed directly to the cafeteria for my lunch break. I couldn’t help but feel excited at the thought of starting a new job in a new place. I was reading all the information that Steven gave to me about the job offer. Accommodation on site, it read. I would get to live there? I wondered. I would be just like Dylan in Beverly Hills 90210, I realized. Excited, I immediately dialled Dawn’s number.

“Hello?”

“Guess what?” I yelled.

“Stop yelling!”

“Sorry. Guess what?” I whispered.

“What? You touched Phil’s hand and had an orgasm?”

“Well, yeah, but no. This is serious.”

“What is it?” She inquired.

“You know how I applied for a transfer out west?”

“No?”

“Does anyone listen when I talk? Or do you people think I’m just making sounds?”

“Mostly the sound thing.” She said matter-of-factly.

“Anyways, I applied over the summer and a position just opened up, I would start in two weeks.”

“Wow! That sounds like a lot of fun. You would have to find someone to rent your apartment though.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“And someone to look after Paddy-Cakes”

“I know...” Seriously, does she think I'm a child, I wondered. 

“And what about Phil? I thought things were starting to go somewhere.”

Phil. I was so excited I hadn’t even thought about what would happen.

“I don’t know” I admitted.

            The rest of my work day was completely hectic. More busses had arrived and Spanish speaking tourists were demanding things left and right. I couldn’t recall how many times I had said “Puede hablar más despacio, por favor?”, but it had to have been at least a million. It was a sentence Phil had taught me, meaning Please speak more slowly, and I had to admit that it came in quite handy. I desperately wanted to talk to Phil, maybe if I tell him about the job opportunity he will ask me to stay, I thought.

            I arrived home and rushed to the desk so fast that I almost knocked over Paddy-Cakes who greeted me at the door, as usual. I removed my jacket and scarf as I waited for the laptop to boot. My IM connected, but Phil wasn’t online. I quickly typed in my e-mail password and my inbox read 2 new messages.

Hell-o Angel!

 I hope your day is going well and that you’re not too tired. Can’t wait to see you again…

If I knew where you were, I would teleport myself there now.

Phil xX

Okay it’s definitely decided, I thought. I’m staying. I clicked on the next message making a note to reply to Phil later.

Hello Joyel, I gathered some information in regards to 

the employment opportunity out West.

Attached is a document with the information concerning accommodation,

which you requested earlier this afternoon. Below is a link to the hotel itself.

See you tomorrow.

Best wishes,

Steven

I immediately clicked on the link at the bottom of Steven’s message. The hotel’s website loaded in front of me and it was amazing. They had completely renovated it since the summer. They had an indoor pool with waterslides, a spa, Jacuzzi and a gym. The best part was that employees were allowed to go outside of work hours, for free. The hotel was situated directly downtown and close to all the best shopping places. Even celebrities stayed there. I couldn’t help but get a little bit excited at the thought of working in such a place. I imagined myself working at the front desk and having Brad Pitt walk through the revolving doors and make his way toward me. I would check-in Brad Pitt, I thought. “Enjoy your stay Mr. Pitt”, I found myself practicing aloud. Wait. Does Brad Pitt even have to check-in to a hotel? I wondered.

I jumped up, startled by the sound of my IM. A message alert appeared at the bottom of my screen.

Phil: Hell-o

Joyel: Hi! How are you?

I immediately responded. Counting 30 Mississippi’s is so last week, I thought. Phil was typing a message and I rushed to close the web browser window of the hotel’s website, like a teenage boy rushing to close a pornographic website when his mother entered a room. I knew he couldn't see it, but I felt like I was cheating.

Phil: I’m good – a long day at school! Mondays should be illegal. And you?

Joyel: Haha! Yes, they should be illegal. I’m doing well, just got back from work.

Phil: Anything exciting happen?

Joyel: I spoke Spanish!

I didn’t know whether or not I should tell him about the job. It’s not like I’m going to actually go, I thought. I knew it was amazing opportunity and I had always wanted to go out West, but I couldn’t just pack up and leave – just like that! Could I? I wondered.

Phil: Nice!

If I tell him, he’ll beg me not to go and that will make my decision much easier, I realized. I took a deep breath, typed the words, and clicked send.

Joyel: Oh, and I got an offer to be transferred to one of our chain hotels out West.

I sat there and watched the time on the computer. I could see that Phil wasn’t yet typing a message. The entire apartment was silent, except for Paddy, who was lying on her little bed beside me purring loudly. I looked back over to the clock - an entire minute had gone by!

“Oh my God! He’s typing a message!” I yelled out to Paddy who jumped up at the sound of my voice.

Phil: Cool!

Cool? I read the words. Not quite what I was expecting, I thought. Okay, let’s try this again. He’s bound to tell me not to go.

Joyel: It seems really cool - I would start it two weeks!

Ha! That will get to him.

Phil: Wow! Two weeks…

I smiled as I read his response. I knew it! The bottom of the IM window was telling me that Phil was typing another message, which I was impatiently waiting for. I imagined that he would write something like I don’t want you to leave in two weeks.

Phil: So are you going to go?

Joyel: I don’t know, should I?

Phil: Does it matter what I think?

I read his message and began typing my response. I clicked send before I had the time to over think it and erase it.

Joyel: Do you want me to go?

Phil: Do you want to go?

Joyel: I don’t know…

Phil: Well, I think the fact that you’re even talking about it means that you’re thinking about it…so a part of you must want to go.

“No! I’m talking about it because I want you to tell me not to go. Idiot!” I yelled at the screen.

Phil: I have to go have supper. We’ll talk more later. See ya, angel.

No xX, I thought as tears began to stream down my face. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I wondered if he really was going to have supper or if he was just looking for a way out of the conversation. I thought that Phil would make everything clearer. I figured that if he told me to go then I would know he didn’t care about me in the same way I did; if he told me to stay then I would know that he did care. But our conversation only made things worse and left me feeling empty. I didn’t know what I was feeling and I didn’t know how I felt about him. Every day was like a rollercoaster of emotions. I knew I couldn’t pick out his voice in a crowd, because I hadn’t heard it enough times to possess the power to do so. Yet, I still wanted to be what was wrapped around his heart. I felt like one second my heart was hiding under my bed where it was safe, and the next it was tripping its way behind a boy that made me want to fall head over heels.

I got up from my swivel chair and sat down on the floor beside Paddy. I picked her up and held her tight in my arms. I looked down at her little face and wiped the tears from mine.

“Oh Paddy, what am I going to do?”