By the time Thursday rolled around I was ready to leave. I had said my goodbyes to most of my friends and tomorrow, Dawn was going to drive me to the airport. Audrey was bringing in her own bed and some furniture so I rented out a storage unit to put some of my things and make room for her. Everything was packed and I had even managed to get mom excited for me. She even transferred money into my account so I could buy a cell phone. I hadn’t heard directly from Phil, but Malorie told me she saw him at his work. She said he looked like a lost puppy, but she was known to exaggerate. I already missed everything about him and I hadn’t even left yet. I felt like I was being sent off to a detox centre and thought I wasn’t kicking and screaming my way there, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to give it all up. The worst part of it all was that I wasn’t even sure what it was that I was giving up. I knew everything about Phil and I felt like I could ask him anything except for one little question How do you feel about me? As much as we were alike on almost every aspect, we were very different when it came to one thing. I longed to find my very own Prince Charming, to get married and have kids, but yet was too afraid of my own heart to ever let anyone in. Phil, on the other hand, was a grown boy with a Peter Pan complex. He would go on about how alone he felt in a crowded room and how he never wanted to grow up and settle down. Apart, I was composed of sunrises and he of sunsets, but together we were the perfect day. Despite everything, I still believed there was a happily ever after hidden somewhere inside of us; it simply was a question of timing. From the moment we met there was a connection that we couldn’t explain, or even bring ourselves to talk about because we weren’t ready for any of it. A sincere smile came over my face as I closed my eyes and felt the way he hugged me on Sunday night, like he didn’t want to let go. Why did he hug me like that? And why did he have to smell so good? I wondered as I relived it all over in my mind. His last words were repeating over and over in my head, like a catchy song you can’t stop humming no matter how hard you try.
‘’I’m going to miss you, you’re my angel, you know that right?’’ Okay repeating the exact words aloud doesn’t really help the situation Joyel, I thought to myself.
Paddy-Cakes and I were watching How to Deal when the phone rang.
“Joyel, baby, our internet seems to be broken.” I heard my mother say through the receiver.
“What happened?”
“I’m not sure, it won’t connect anymore.” She sounded confused.
“Well maybe the phone number is incorrect.” I said referring to her dial-up internet connection.
“What do you mean?”
“When you go to connect there’s a phone number that it connects to, maybe it was deleted or something.”
“Oh okay, yes I see it. That’s exactly what happened. So what number do I type in?”
“I’m not sure you’ll have to call the...” I paused realizing what I was about to say. “Company.” I continued. “Mom, I have to go. I’ll call you back”
I immediately hung up the phone and called our local internet provider. I need to get that number, I thought. I hadn’t realized how Phil deprived I was until I knew of a way to contact him. I was on hold with the company, waiting to be answered, when I powered up my laptop. I remembered that when I had first moved away from home and didn’t have internet, I would use my mother’s username and password to connect to go online. I realized that all I had to do was get that phone number and I could check my e-mails. What if Phil has written me a message? Or multiple messages? I wondered.
“Good afternoon, my name is Molly how can I help you?”
“Hi Molly.” I said as if I knew her personally. “I’m calling because ermm, I somehow erased the phone number that I need in order to connect to my dial up.”
“No problem, I’ll just need to know the region you’re in.” Molly said into the receiver, and I obligingly gave it to her.
I couldn’t believe it, she was giving me the number and I was going to be checking my e-mails any minute now. Molly was going on about how I should write down the number and file it just in case.
“Now may I have your account information?”
Shit. I can’t tell her, I thought. She’ll know.
“Ermm. I’m sorry? I didn’t get that?” I said running around my apartment.
“Your account information.” Molly repeated.
“I’m sorry.” I said turning on the hair dryer and placing it to the phone.“Can’t ...under-....you.” I yelled into the phone breaking up my syllables.
I hung up the phone and rushed to the computer. I entered in the information for the dial-up connection. I sat on my black swivel chair and impatiently waited. Gosh this is long, I thought.
Ten minutes passed before my web browser finally loaded so I could type in my e-mail password. My inbox read 10 new messages. I clicked on inbox and waited for the page to load. Slowly, I began to see the subjects appear. The first one, from Malorie, read FW: You are a true friend and the same one from Audrey followed. Suddenly the second and third messages appeared. The rest of them followed. I couldn’t believe it; I had three messages from Phil.
I quickly checked the dates and rushed to read the least recent one. The date read March 20, 2004. He wrote this before we said goodbye, I realized. As I clicked the message, Paddy-Cakes jumped up on the desk, preventing me from properly seeing the screen.
“Paddy, get out of the way.” I instructed her as I attempted to get her to sit down on my lap.
The page was slowly loading and I couldn’t wait to see what he had written. At the time that he had written the message, we weren’t exactly on good terms so I didn’t know what to expect.
“Oh my god! You’re slow!” I found myself yelling at the computer. “Hurryyy!” I begged.
Suddenly, sparkly images began to load. An image of a cupid with an arrow was loading in front of me.
You have been hit by the friend arrow. You are a true friend. Scroll down and make a wish. Then, forward this message to your true friends or something bad will happen to you in the next few minutes.
Confused, I looked up at the subject. It read FW: fr Audrey.
Crap! I clicked the wrong message, I realized.
I quickly clicked on Inbox and waited for the page to load. Let’s try this again.
“Now Paddy, don’t move.” I said as I pointed my index finger at her in a motherly way.
My inbox page finally loaded and I carefully placed my cursor on the March 20, 2004 message that Phil had sent. I slowly clicked on it and waited. A few minutes had gone by and I was beginning to get really irritated. How do people ever get anything done with dial-up internet? I wondered as waited with annoyance.
The new page began to load and I could not pull my eyes from the screen. I had butterflies in my stomach and couldn’t wait to read the words he had written. The phone began to ring, making both Paddy and I jump. I looked over at the phone in the kitchen. How on earth is the phone ringing? I wondered as I turned my head back to look at my screen.
Error 404. Page not found. Failure to load. Please verify that your internet is properly connected.
“NO!” I yelled at the screen as my answering machine picked up.
“Hi baby it’s me.” I heard my mother’s voice. “I got the number like you suggested, but it still won’t connect.”
“That’s because I’m trying to connect.” I yelled at the machine.
“I guess I just missed you, your line was busy for the past half hour. Anyways, call me back. Love you.”
Gosh she’s annoying, I thought.
Quite some time later, I managed to connect to the internet again I could see Audrey’s message about true friends and remembered what it said. Something bad will happen to you in the next few minutes. I couldn’t help but wonder if Audrey’s message was right.
As I clicked on Phil’s message, I prayed it wasn’t.
Hell-o Angel,
Haven’t seen you online lately, I’m sorry for always screwing up.
Have you made a decision about your trip yet?
xX Phil
Hell-o Angel,
Are you alive?
Phil xX
Hell-o Angel,
I’m sorry for what I said, or didn’t say last night.
I’m not a fan of goodbyes. Know that I care.
Have a nice trip!
Phil xX
I desperately wanted to reply to him, but I let it go. It was too late, and I knew that if I held on, I would never be able to move on. I found contentment in the way things had ended and the way he held me so close on Sunday night, and I wanted everything to stay exactly that way. So I closed my laptop and walked away, knowing that he cared.
Malorie and Audrey came over for supper later that day and by the time we had finished eating, we had gone through two bottles of wine. Audrey was in the bedroom imagining how she would set up her furniture. I had prepared a bed for Paddy and me in the living room for that night. Dawn and I had moved the majority of my belongings into a storage unit so my apartment looked quite empty.
“Girls it’s almost 9:30, we should get going.” Malorie pointed out.
“Where?” I asked and took a big gulp of wine. Gosh this is quite disgusting, I thought.
“Relay” I heard Audrey shout from the bedroom.
“Don’t worry.” Malorie said looking at me. “Phil won’t be there.” She continued.
“That’s what you said the last time.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, but look how well that turned out.” She said smiling. “Plus, you have to come. Simon and Keven want to say goodbye.
“Fine” I gave in. “But only for a few hours, I have an early flight to catch.” I smiled with excitement.
We arrived at Relay around 9:30 p.m. and the bar was practically empty. Keven and Simon were already playing foosball, but Phil wasn’t anywhere around. Malorie, Keven and Simon had planned a little going away party for me, and the boys each held up Bon Voyage signs when they saw me coming.
“Cute!” I said and giggled.
Keven hugged me and said something into my ear, but I didn’t quite hear because of the music.
“What?” I looked at him confused.
“We asked Phil to come, but he couldn’t make it.” He gave me a sincere smile.
I couldn’t help but feel a little bit hurt that Phil wasn’t going to show up even though he knew they were doing this for me. What could possibly be so important? I wondered. Not that it mattered anyway, we had said our goodbyes and I was determined to have fun without him.
I felt someone tugging at my tote bag and turned to find Malorie digging through it.
“Um, Can I help you?” I said sarcastically.
“Keven wants to add his number in your phone so you can keep in touch via text” She pointed out. “Do you have it?” She inquired.
“Yeah, sure.” I said putting it down on a nearby chair. “Good luck finding it.” I pointed to the bag insisting Malorie look for it herself.
“Why on earth do you have so many CD’s in here?” Malorie whined as she looked through my bag.
“I threw a bunch of them in there a while ago, for when I’m on the plane tomorrow.” I pointed out.
She finally pulled out my phone and handed it to Keven who quickly entered the information in my phone.
“Actually, I’m going to go bring my purse to coat check, it’s kind of heavy on my arm.” I said to Malorie as she handed me my bag.
I fished my ticket out of my pocket and handed it to the girl behind the counter informing her to place my bag on the same hanger. I was standing at the bar entrance and every time the door opened I secretly wished it would be Phil. As a matter of fact, the more packed the bar grew throughout the night, the more I kept seeing him everywhere. Once, I thought I saw him on my way out of the restroom and I got so distracted that I walked right into a wall. I prayed that no one saw, but noticed a few guys laughing at me. Then, later on, I thought I saw him at coat check, but Malorie insisted it wasn’t him.
An hour later I hugged everyone one last time and even Tommy, the bartender, was sad to see me go. Audrey dropped me off at my place and I gave her a set of keys. I headed into my apartment and changed into my pyjamas. Paddy was already sound asleep on the bed that I had made up for us, so I tiptoed around the living room not to wake her up. I carefully crawled under the covers and closed my eyes. And for the first time in months, as I fell asleep, I wasn't obsessing over every word that Phil had ever said. My mind wasn't filled with thoughts of him, or the fear of falling. I had finally found contentment as I realized that I was following my heart. And as I fell asleep that night, I knew that one day I wouldn't be afraid to let myself fall.
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