A Smile on My Face & a Twinkle in my Eye

6 months later...

Summer had come and gone and fall was slowly coming to an end too. Normally I wouldn’t be too excited about it because I absolutely despise winter. But 2004 had been a rough year so I was kind of looking forward to Christmas because it meant that I was that much closer to 2005.

As I sat on my bed and tried to think of the events that had occurred in the past year, the only thing that came to mind was the adventure I had and all the places I had seen. I was twenty years old and felt like I had so many great things ahead of me.

“Everything’s ready, want another coffee before we leave?” Kat’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Nope, I’m good, thanks!” Kat gave me a concerned look as if she couldn’t believe I was turning down caffeine.  To be honest, neither could I. May was the first of many major turning points in my life, and not just because I was no longer a teenager. So many things had happened since that dreadful 20^th birthday, and I had completely changed my life around and had cut back on my addictions; caffeine, shopping, and well, Phil.

“Alright, well I’m going to go call the cab and hand in the keys to the landlord.” She smiled, fighting back the tears.

I knew how she felt. Those three months of having a BFF to lean on had been exactly what I needed too. After realizing how truly awful my life had become, Paddy and I had packed up our bags and headed back to my hometown. I spent the summer working and paying off debt, and Paddy found heaps of new hiding spots in my mother’s house, which was far bigger than our little apartment in the city. When fall came around, I couldn’t quite bring myself to head back. I had saved up quite a bit of money so despite my parents advice, I headed out west where Kat and I rented an apartment and had the time of our lives. I got my old job back and Kat and I were a team again. I knew I was going to miss that life. I was scared to death about heading back to the city, but I knew I was ready for everything it had in store for me.  When I left, I really left everything behind, including all of my belongings in storage and the friends I had at that time. Audrey had a new boyfriend with whom she spent all of her time, according to Malorie. As for Mal, she was sharing an apartment with the love of her life and living her happily ever after. I hadn’t spoken to either of them since the summer, despite the promise we made to each other of staying in touch. I realized that people grow apart and move on with their lives, and I learned that the hard way when Phil moved on so quickly despite everything we shared in so little time. I did miss the girls some days, but I didn’t miss the life I was living and I knew that I needed a fresh start. I needed to break all ties that were connected to him and those six months away from it all was the rehab I needed.

Kat and I made our way to the airport. I decided to go at the same time as she, even though my flight was three hours after hers. She was headed back home to Australia, after healing her own wounds. I guess that’s why Kat and I connected immediately. We were both running away from something or someone in order to find ourselves. In the process, we found each other and became the best of friends.

“I can’t believe finding myself made me gain 10 lbs” Kat joked as she tapped her belly.

“I know the feeling” I laughed and did the same. “Though, I think it was that evil little hotdog stand by the beach that did its toll on me.” I smiled.

“Gosh I’m going to miss those” Kat whined.

“I’m going to miss this” I paused. “I’m going to miss having my best friend around.”

“Me too” Kat hugged me. “Oh” she pulled away “you should totally come to Australia with me!” She beamed.

“Australia huh?” I gave her my best thinking face.

“You really are easily influenced at airports.” She made fun of me.

We parted ways at Kat’s gate and headed in the opposite direction to my own.  What Kat said reminded me of Glenda and I desperately wanted to see if she was working so I could have a word with her, but she was nowhere to be found, so I opted for the nearest computer instead.

In an effort to change my life around, I, in typical Joyel fashion, got fully carried away and changed my cyber life around to, and got a new email address. I wanted to disconnect myself completely. And it worked. I forgave myself for being scared, I forgave Phil for what he had done, and I forgot. OK, so in all honesty I still did think about him from time to time. The mere mention of his name or anything that rhymed with his name made me weak in the knees and gave me that achy feeling in my chest, but the point is I wasn’t deliberately thinking about him. OK, so there was the time when I heard a song on the radio, a song that he had put on the CD he made for me. And my increasingly weird obsession with Brad Pitt because of the similar jaw line that he and Phil share, but those were things that reminded me of Phil, which is totally different, right?

I was clicking through emails, when I came across a message from Rachel, a girl with whom I used to work in a hair salon. Rachel and I were both from the same area, and knew a lot of the same people, but had never met before working at the salon.  Prior to working in hotels, and even before Phil and I had ever met, I worked with Rachel at a hair salon close to where I lived. Rachel only worked there when we were understaffed as she was in school full time. Whenever she came in to the salon, everyone was excited because she was living this complete Love Triangle life and we desperately wanted to know what was happening. She was madly in love with a boy who lived two hours away, but Rachel quickly found out that she wasn’t the only one in love with said boy. Every time she came in to work, there was always a new development in the love triangle. She couldn’t let go, which I didn’t understand at the time, and she was completely head over heels in love with a boy who she only got to see every other weekend, which I thought was entirely ridiculous. How could you be in love with someone you never see? Is what I foolishly thought at the time.

I had not heard from Rachel in over a year so when I saw her name in my inbox, I curiously clicked open.

Rachel has invited you to join Do You Look Good?

It’s free and easy to sign up. Do You Look Good? Is a great way to meet new people and find old friends. Click the link below to sign up today. What are you waiting for?

Oh Gosh! I couldn’t help but think as I read the words Do You Look Good? I wanted to laugh at the irony of it all, but at the same time I felt the urge to tell Rachel about how awful this site was as choosing your ideal mate. I mean that is exactly why I deleted my profile in the – then it hit me, did I delete it? I couldn’t remember. I must have. I was going over all the cyber changes I had made and couldn’t for the life of me remember if that awful site was on the list. Well if it isn’t, it’s going to be. I thought as I quickly typed in the address.  Music started blearing which made everyone, and their mother, turn in my direction at the airport. Oh great, with that kind of music they probably think I’m watching a porno. I thought, my face red hot, as I frantically searched for the volume button.

I proceeded to type in my username and password. Crap! It’s still there, the picture of Paddy and I right before my eyes. I scanned the screen in search of a delete tab to click on, but I couldn’t find one. My eyes came across a flashing flag; the words next to it read 4 new messages. I clicked on them wondering what type of guys a drunk girl and her cat could possibly attract. Hmmm 38 years old, nice Joyel! Wow, this guy is shirtless, nice touch – too bad I don’t care for muscles. I was looking through the messages. Oh, well that is definitely not a guy – or is it? Delete! I clicked the select all button and was about to hit delete when I noticed the words peeking through the bottom of my screen. DarkStar13. My body went numb. I looked around me, as if feeling guilty for cheating on the rules I had set for myself, and proceeded to scroll down. The message was dated from two weeks ago. I can’t fully explain what came over me in those next few seconds, but it was a mix of joy, sadness, fear, and curiosity that lead me to click Phil’s message.

Hell-o Angel. I don’t feel like I even have the right to call you that anymore. I tried to email you a few times, but the messages came back to me. I can’t say I blame you for changing it. I do, however, blame me. I got what I deserved. I don’t even know where you are, how your life is, or if you’ll even read this. You can’t blame a guy for trying though, can you? Wherever you are, I hope that you are happy.  I just miss my friend. I miss YOU.

xX

It took six months for me to completely erase the feelings I had for him, or so I thought. But it only took one message for me to fall back into him again. 

I took my seat on the plane with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye. I pulled out my cell phone to send Phil a quick text message before turning it off.

I miss you too.

Your Angel xo

As silly as it was to be madly in love with this boy that I had never spent alone time with, I couldn’t bear the thought of not having him in my life, even though he wasn’t in my life in the way I wanted him to be. So I boarded the plane and went back to the city. Not because it’s where my belongings were, not because I had a place to stay at my sister’s, and not because I got a job in a fabulous hotel downtown. But because I couldn’t bear the thought of not being near him, even though we weren’t as close as I wanted us to be.

Heads or Tails?

Malorie begged me to go to the mall with Simon and her, but I badly wanted to get home to see if Phil was online. I knew I could just pick up the phone and call him, but just the thought of having to speak to him gave me anxiety so I opted for the computer. On the short walk home I went over the things that Simon said. Phil loved me. I couldn’t believe it. A part of me always thought that he did, I mean there were signs every now and then, but I always thought that if he loved me he would tell me. Wait a minute, I stopped in my tracks. If Simon knew that I loved Phil, and that Phil loved me, why didn’t he say something before? I realized. I placed my hand inside my tote bag and reached around for my cell phone. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind, that little...a beeping sound from my phone broke my train of thought. I looked down at the screen and saw the envelope icon flashing.

Happy Birthday Angel xX

That’s it? No ‘I’m sorry about last night’, or ‘Will you marry me?’ What kind of message is that? OK, so it is my birthday, I reasoned, maybe he doesn’t want to mention anything that could ruin my day, I considered as I quickly hit the reply button on my phone.

Thanks!  Are you online?

I stood on the side of the road starring at the phone, waiting for a reply.

Yes.

The words were like the sound of a starter gun and I took off like I was doing the 100 meter race of a lifetime. I quickly unlocked my door, opened it, and rushed past Paddy nearly knocking her over.

“Sorry Paddy” I called out behind me.  “See Paddy, mommy can say she’s sorry...it’s not that hard, is it now? Is It?” I gave Paddy a serious look and she put her head down in shame similar to the time I caught her on the table trying to dig in to my ham sandwich.

“No, no Paddy, you didn’t do anything wrong” I said in a soft voice. Gosh, poor Paddy. I almost knock her over and then I yell at her for no reason. “I’m a bad mommy ay Paddy?” I picked her up and gave her a big hug. “Crap!” Paddy’s eyes opened wide at the sound of my loud voice. I gently tossed her onto the futon and ran to the computer frantically. “Come on, connect” I ordered Audrey’s computer. My legs were restless as I watched my Instant Messenger connect. Normally, I would be pacing back and forth across my living trying to come up with something clever to say to Phil, but this time, I was leaving it up to him.

“Heads he tells me he wants to be with me”, I picked up a quarter from the desk, “Tails, he...err” I looked over at Paddy who was watching me like I was some lunatic. You’re not that far off, I thought as I closed the quarter tight in my hand. “Tails, he loses me” I tossed the quarter up in the air. It hit the ceiling and I followed it with my eyes as it fell behind the desk, through the cables. “Crap!” I got down on my hands and knees under the desk and reached my arm between the mess of cables and wires.

“Oh! There it is!” I could see the glare of the quarter behind an outlet power strip. I was on all fours in my sun dress when Paddy joined me under the desk and started jumping at my moving hand through the wires.  “Paddy no! Mommy doesn’t want to play right now” I said firmly, but she wasn’t listening. She was on a hunt, and my hand was her prey. “Ouch! Paddy No!” I yelled as she put her little teeth into my hand.  “Paddy get your furry little butt out of the way” I yelled.  Startled, Paddy rolled over on the power bar. Everything went dark. “Nooooooo.” I wanted to cry. Paddy got up, licked her little paw and came over to sit beside me. She leaned her head on my arm. “It’s not your fault” I kissed her head. I grabbed the power bar and turned the switch to on. The phone immediately rang and I rushed out from under the desk to answer it.

“This is your cell phone service provider” a man’s voice came through the receiver. “Miss, I am calling because your account is three months past due and we will be cutting off your service effective immediately” his voice was stern.

“That’s impossible.” I paused. “I made an advance payment in March. For three months. It’s only May.” I explained.

“Yes, Miss, however you exceeded the set payment for April.”  He paused. “Unless you pay the amount in full right now, we are forced to stop your service until you do make the payment.”

“And how much is it?” I managed

“The total of outstanding bills is $ 1927.89.” He paused as if expecting some type of answer on my part. “Will you be making that payment today?”

“I’m sorry? Did you say $ 1927.89?” I felt weak. I reached for the chair behind me and sat down.

“Yes, I did.” He said matter-of-factly.

“How is that even possible?”

“Well, I see here that were out of province, but kept the same number. There were roaming charges, and long distance charges, and...”

“OK. OK. I get it.” I cut him off.

“So, will you be making the payment today?”

“No.” My voice cracked. “I won’t.”

I hung up the phone and searched around the desk for bills. He was right. I owed close to $ 2000 and I had no idea how I was going to pay for it. I had maxed out my credit card on my trip, and had barely enough money left for next month’s rent.  Plus, I owed Audrey.

“Paddy, what are we going to do?” I picked her and hugged her tight. “Some birthday huh?” I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

I pulled myself together and made a list. I grabbed the calculator and started tapping away. “OK. Paddy, so in total mommy owes” I hit the total sign and closed my eyes, as if making a wish. The screen read  $ 5674.78. “WHAT?” I shouted. That can’t be right. But it was. I did the calculations over six times, and each time came up with the same total. How can that be?

“OK. There’s no reason for panic here, Paddy. Mommy is just going to have to get her old job back. That’s all. And Steven will give me an advance and everything will work out. Right?” I turned to face Paddy who had fallen asleep somewhere between the third and fifth calculation do-over.

I picked up my phone and dialled the hotel number.

“Steven, please. It’s Joyel calling.”

“Who?”

“Steven.” I repeated.

“What room number?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. She must be new, I thought. “I’m sorry. I’m calling to speak with Steven, the manager.”

“Oh, right.” There ya go, I thought. Good job, sweetie. Now just press the transfer button...

“Steven doesn’t work here anymore.” She said blatantly. “Would you like to speak with Ms. April?” Who? “She’s the new manager.”

“Err. Yes, please.” I cleared my throat.

“Annie April.” I heard her voice.

“Hello, Ms. April. My name is Joyel.” I paused half hoping she would have heard about me and my super great work ethic. But no. “Err, I used to work at the hotel and transferred out west. But I came back recently and was wondering if you had any openings?” Perfect. Gosh, I sound so professional. Surely she’s going to want to hire me solely based on this telephone call.

“Sorry Joanne, there aren’t any openings. You can send me your résumé and I’ll keep it on file. Good day!” She hung up.

“How rude!” I looked at my phone in disbelief. “That witch just called me Joanne, can you believe that Paddy?”

Paddy opened an eye and then curled around into a ball, turning her back to me. Well, fine then.

I turned to find my computer had finally rebooted and I quickly grabbed my mouse and clicked to open my Instant Messenger. Please still be online, please still be online, I crossed my fingers. Ha! It worked!

I quickly clicked on his username and wrote the words hello without even thinking. I didn’t care if he wasn’t the one writing to me first, and I didn’t know what I was going to say to him about last night. I didn’t even agonise over how our conversation would go. I didn’t over think it. Phil had this way of calming me and I needed that, plain and simple.

Phil: Hey, can’t really chat right now.

Why are you online if you can’t chat?

Why not?

Joyel: OK.

I felt wretched and completely alone, despite Paddy who was ever so present running around playing.

“What ya got there Paddy?” I got down on the floor next to her. She was tossing something back and forth between her paws like she practicing her moves for the soccer tryouts. Is that...I took a closer look and right there underneath her little white paw was the glare of the quarter. My quarter. At this point I knew that she had probably turned it from heads to tales about a hundred times, and I knew the outcome of it all didn’t really matter anymore. I felt like my life was falling apart around me. Phil had moved on. I didn’t want my mind to wander off and do its usual thing where it makes up these scenarios of what he could possibly be doing right now that would prevent him from talking to me, but I couldn’t help but picture him sitting by a computer with his girlfriend.

On top of everything, my financial situation was a complete mess, and less than an hour ago I was squatting under a desk. Things were far from picture perfect and despite everything that was going wrong I felt like that shiny quarter could give me hope.

“Heads everything is going to work out, tails...well we all know how this game works...move your paw Paddy” I ordered her as I reached for the quarter.

Hmph! Tails. I noted. It’s just a stupid game anyway. I thought, tossing the quarter in the corner or the living room, Paddy running quickly after it.

“Don’t eat that quarter Paddy, money’s tight” I yelled back at her, half laughing.

Make a Wish

My eyes opened to the sound of the ringing phone. I rolled over in my bed and picked up my cell phone. The caller display read my sister’s phone number, and I knew she was calling to hear about my night. I threw the phone on the empty pillow next to me and ignored the call. I didn’t want to have to explain what happened last night. I didn’t even understand the events myself. I laid there and try to narrow it down in a way that could make it clear but no matter how I dissected the events I still ended with the same conclusion. I was alone. He wasn’t.

Paddy Cakes poked her little head out from under the covers and gave me a good morning meow, reminding me of our little morning routine. I managed to get myself up and out of bed and headed to the kitchen to put on some coffee, Paddy following my every move, meowing ever so loudly as I grabbed the carton of milk from the fridge.

“Shhh, shhh, I know Paddy, I know.”  I patted her head and she continued to meow. “Oh no!” I gave her a concerned look. “And then what happened?” She replied with another meow. “Wow! Well that’s quite the story.” I smiled at her as she sat on her hind paws and lifted a paw at me as if to say May I have a drop of milk now, Mama?  I, of course, gave in as I did every morning and provided her with a quarter sized drop of milk in her little dish.

I picked up my cup of fresh coffee and headed to Audrey’s pink laptop that was sitting on my desk. Perhaps I did this out of habit, or maybe somewhere in my mind was a shadow of a thought that he might be there. He wasn’t. I thought about what I would write to him if he was there. The phrases I miss your face and Fuck you were at the top of my list, each winning at alternate times.

Going to sit on a terrace with Simon this afternoon, maybe have a drink...join us?

After reading Malorie’s message, I swivelled around on my chair trying to think of excuses to not go, which I always found myself doing before even deciding if I wanted to go or not. The ‘What excuse sounds believable?’ thought was an automatism in my brain when it came to social invites. Sometimes I wondered if I was born a bitch or just plain anti-social. But that day, I opted for a ‘Sure, why not?’ instead.

As I dug out my favourite summer dress from my closet, I dialled my father’s number. Conversations with Papa were always quick and painless. A few laughs here and there, but most importantly, he didn’t ask the type of questions that made me question my own existence. I needed that.

“Oui, Bonjour!” He roared into the phone in broken French accent. Papa always spoke loudly, a trait Dawn had inherited, and most times I remembered to turn down the volume before dialling their numbers. But sometimes, like that day, I would forget and go deaf in an ear for at least 10 minutes.

“Hi Papa” I said into the receiver after switching the phone to my other ear.

“Happy Birthday Baba!” Oh, right. I thought. It’s my birthday.

I thanked him and we played catch up over the next few minutes. I gave him the point form version of my road trip and he told me about an operation he had on his shoulder after falling on the ice. I was about to hang up when he caught me off guard.

“So, did you see that Phil boy last night?”

“Huh?” I was thrown off.

“I called you last night, but there was no answer.” He explained. “Your brother said you were gone to meet up with some friends and to see Phil?” Papa always gave people weird nicknames and busted out into random made up songs, traits I inevitably inherited. Calling my sister and me ‘brothers’ was just part of the randomness that I was used to.      

I can’t believe Dawn would tell him that, I thought. “Well...” I paused. “I didn’t see him.” I managed - my voice cracking.

“Well Baba, sometimes these things happen and you have to just…walk it off” He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yeah” I said in a soft tone and paused before continuing “I think I might need some new shoes for that.”

Papa laughed through the receiver “You don’t have any good walking shoes?”

“I had a pair of Adidas, but I traded them in for some common sense.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

“Not well, Papa” I paused “Not well at all!”

I met up with Malorie and Simon at a small pub right around the corner of my street. As I walked up, I could see them sitting at a table. Malorie was dressed to the nines, as usual, and Simon was eating a hot dog while he listened to Malorie talk.

“I totally couldn’t believe it. I mean, didn’t anyone tell her that pink streaks are so last summer?” I heard Mal say as the doorman looked over my ID.

“Oh! Hey Sweetie” She ran over to greet me with a hug. “Happy Birthday” She beamed. Malorie was always peppy. I envied her for it.

“Simon was just talking to Phil” she whispered into my ear. “He was going to come meet us, but Simon told him we were leaving and going to the mall.”

“Did he know I was coming?” I inquired, half hoping that he wanted to come because of me.

“No” Malorie shook her head. “I just figured you wouldn’t want to see him.” She paused. “You know, because of everything that happened last night.” She said as if reminding me.

“Yeah, I remember Mal” I said sarcastically “I was kind of there.” I pointed out in a ‘Gee, why don’t you twist the knife a little harder?’ kind of way.

I pulled up a chair next to Simon who was on to his third hot dog. He went to say something and I secretly hoped it was about Phil. I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about him, and I knew that I shouldn’t even want to have anything to do with him, but I desperately longed to hear anything at all that was attached to his name. I loved him, there was no denying that, but I didn’t want to love him anymore. I didn’t want to want to hear about him, but I did. I wanted to ask Simon if Phil mentioned me, but at the same time I didn’t want anyone to know that I cared.

“I wonder if they have live bands here?” Simon said. Who cares? How’s Phil. What did he say? My mind wandered.

“Probably” Malorie joined in. “They have a stage downstairs.” Gosh, they’re boring. I have more meaningful conversations with Paddy.  

“Oh, Happy Birthday, Joyel!” Simon smiled at me. “Well, I mean, I hope it’s a happy one?” He gave me an intrigued look.

“Yeah, it’s a great birthday” I smiled back. “It’s really nice out” I pointed to the sun, attempting to change the subject.

“True. But, errr...” He looked to Mal.

“It’s just that, well, with everything that happened we thought you might be a little bummed.” They both gave me sympathetic looks like I had just been in a major car wreck and was on life support.  Just pull the plug.

“I’m fine” I managed a smile. “Really, it’s OK” I said so convincingly that I almost believed myself.

“I still can’t believe he would do that” Malorie said. “It’s so unlike him.” She said in a way that made me want to hear more about what he was really like.

“What do you mean?” I stirred the ice around in my Long Island Iced Tea that Malorie had pre-ordered for me, avoiding eye contact.

“Phil’s just not the kind of guy who does things that he knows will hurt other people.” She explained. “I don’t get – ”

“That’s not true.” Simon interrupted her. “Sometimes we do shit without realizing it’s going to hurt other people” he paused “and I think subconsciously you’re going to want to hurt someone who hurt you.” He crossed his arms, proudly as if he had won some sort of debate.

“I guess you’re right” Mal said and looked off into the empty field next to the terrace.

I sat there confused, trying to understand the conversation that they just had as if I wasn’t even present at the table. “Wait a minute” I said angrily. “How in the hell was Phil hurt through any of this?”

“Are you kidding me?” Simon laughed and I lifted my arms as if to say ‘what?’

“You fucking broke the guy’s heart” He was looking right at me with a straight face. “You totally and utterly screwed with him.”

“Simon!” Malorie shouted defending me.

“I’m sorry, but she did!” He said matching Malorie’s defensive tone. It’s like they were playing a tennis match; Malorie on team Joyel, and Simon on team Phil.

“Woah, woah, woah, woah!” I interrupted them. “I broke HIS heart?” I gave him a sarcastic look. “Are YOU kidding ME?” My heart was racing.

“Joyel, you got this guy to fall completely and madly in love with you and you just got up and left out of nowhere.” Simon was serious. The words hit me like daggers. Phil loved me? I didn’t know what to say.

“Why didn’t he tell me that?” I managed.

“How could he? Your mind was made up and it’s like he wasn’t even part of your plan.” Simon said. “It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“It would have changed everything.” I said trying to fight the tears.

“Maybe...” Simon rested his back against his chair back and looked up at the parasol over our table.

“Maybe he didn’t want to be the one holding you back” Malorie said in a soft tone.

“Exactly!” Simon smiled as he proudly pointed his index finger to Mal as if to say ‘Eureka! She’s figured it out.’

“Look” Simon turned to me “it’s not like I’m saying that what he did was right” he paused before continuing “I’m not even saying that you have to forgive him” he gave me a sincere smile “just don’t hate him for it.”

“Just talk to him” Malorie insisted. "Oh! Over here" Malorie shouted and gesture to a hostess. "Yay" she clapped.

I turned around to find the hostess carrying a small white plate with a red velvet cupcake on it. 

"Are you the birthday girl?" she placed it in front of me and sat a single pink birthday candle in it. I nodded and she lit the candle. 

"Aww" I smiled at Malorie. "Thank you" I was sincere. 

"Make a wish" Malorie winked at me.